The Past Is The Past

Now they say confession is “good” for the soul, so here is my confession……

I am currently in a situation where finances are extremely “tight”, therefore things that are not essential have to be cut.  However I already live a minimalist type of lifestyle, so there isn’t much to cut.  I have removed most things which in reality are luxuries compared to the how the rest of world lives, but there is one thing in times past I have always managed to keep.  A gym membership.  I have longed struggled to get to my “goal” weight, but I never want to gain weight or worst return to where I was in 2001 when I was pushing 400lbs.

I have tried to come up with alternatives to keep my fitness regime going.  In the past I have used a home workout program called “Insanity”.  It is a high intensity workout where you need no weights or machines.  I know a number of people who own it, so I spent some time trying to track a copy down.  Unfortunately I have yet to actually get one in my possession.  But in all honesty not working out theses last few weeks has proved to be very enlightening.  During this time I actually started experiencing intense moments of anxiety.  At one point the whole idea of not exercising/weight gain/diet began consuming my thoughts.

What I found most interesting was the words my mother used to say to me began to replay over and over in my head.  Like “you’re a cow”, “fat pig”, “a slob”, “a glutton”, etc.  Sadly these are some of the nicer things she used to say if you believe it!  I came realize to these words were still haunting me.  As long as I worked out and did all I could be to be healthy I felt good about my body and my appearance.  When I didn’t the old thoughts would resurfaced.  The truth is exercise is more than just a weight-loss tool.  I used it drown out the other voices in my head.  I never saw this before…..

Feeling beautiful is easy to do when you are achieving the standard you set for yourself.  As long I was working towards being a better me what was said in the past didn’t phase me much.  But now that I am restricted there is a temptation to revert to my old way of thinking; calling into question my self image/esteem and have I REALLY changed.  The answer is YES I have changed.  It is still a bit painful at times, yet I push past my feeling and hold onto what is true.  The past seems to be something I have to constantly bury even though it tries to resurrect itself.  Those words only have power when I choose to believe them.  Everyday I choose to forgive what was done and believe truth about who I am now.  I am NOT that girl anymore.

Don’t let the past hold you back….No matter what it is….

That was then and this is now!!

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Checkout my other blog: http://littleroseca.wordpress.com/

 

 

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