Taking a closer look at the nature of dating and relationships has been quite enlightening so far. In my previous post I touched on the “Unspoken Fears” women deal with when in a committed relationship. It has caused me to do my own personal internal spring cleaning; to take a closer look at myself and any insecurities I may have. Many avoid doing it, but I have learned it is needed periodically throughout life. Working through such things affords you the opportunity to grow and mature. This will ensure you have a positive dating experience and help you choose a suitable and compatible life partner. The better you know yourself the more equipped you are to enter into and maintain a life long relationship.
I’ve often wondered why people hide aspects of who they are during the dating process. I’ve even heard stories of individuals who pretend to be someone else through the ENTIRE dating period right up until marriage. This is a frightening thought!! I would assume it is because there are parts of themselves that they are ashamed of or insecure about. For some there may be other reasons, but it has been my observation that this is the case. Yet if building a long, lasting relationship is your end goal, being yourself is the only way to ensure the relationship is successful.
In speaking with a close friend she shared her experiences from a past relationship. In her case she sacrificed much of who she was to make her mate happy. Surrendering her identity out of fear among other things. She subjected herself to a man who was controlling, inconsiderate and unwilling to work on himself or contribute equally to the relationship. Now looking back if she was given another chance to do things over she definitely would. And oddly enough I am at that the same place.
I no longer believe fairly tales, however I do believe in committed relationships based on honesty, respect, acceptance, communication, kindness and trust. I have also held myself back out of fear of rejection. Nevertheless I have come to realize any relationship where I have to change who I am in order for it to work and be accepted is a relationship I don’t want. Don’t forfeit your happiness out of a fear of ending up alone or whatever other thought crosses your mind. Settling for such a reason will only ensure your own unhappiness.
Being happy with yourself is more important than someone else being happy with you…..
In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest. However there has been a change of plans. I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting. While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video. After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the male friend who shared the video clip. Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.
The scenario is as follows. A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach. The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs. The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else. He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded. The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.
Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance. I have always had weight issues. At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition. Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind. I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail. I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself. Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already believe. This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count. What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others. If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship. Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.
First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!! If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in. Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else. Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable. Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look. The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see. Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship. I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..
It is amazing how time is just flying by!! The first month of 2015 is coming to an end and so much has already begun to take place. In my last post I spoke about a “Real Resolution”; the kind that would actually bring about a change in your life. However the kind of change I proposed is not for the weak or faint at heart. It requires a bold, stout hearted individual to stand against personal fears, face insecurities, and step out from the crowd and be different!! I have to admit it, even thinking about it I experience butterflies in my stomach. For although I write about these things and I am committed to walking these principles out in my own life I am not exempt from the process or from how it affects me as an individual.
To this day I still experience fear when having to face certain situations. I often am frustrated at my responses because it almost feels like a “Knee Jerk Reaction.” Many times when I recount the incident over in my mind my first question usually is “Why did I do that or respond in that way?” Over the course of picking the situation apart it all boiled down to one word. Fear! I have to say that in the moment it isn’t always clear that I am afraid. However what is extremely evident is how quick I unconsciously go into defense mode, hence the knee jerk reaction.
An area as personal and intrinsic as fear is something that should not be overlooked. Taking the time to ask yourself these questions is important if you desire to uncover what is causing your responses to certain situations. I am NOT talking about mediation or listening to your inner voice. I am saying look at the hard facts. Remove the rose coloured glasses and get to the root of action/reaction or pattern of behaviour that may in fact be hindering your life in some way.
We have a tendency to gloss over the little things that we say or do and categorize them an idiosyncrasies ie. “quirks” in our personality. Nevertheless something impulsive as a “knee jerk reaction” if not addressed can be potentially dangerous. It usually comes with no warning and is driven by very strong emotion. Often the target of this kind of response is unsuspecting. It catches them completely off guard. At one point we all have be on the receiving end of this and I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant. Thinking about the person on the receiving end of such an outburst can help with choosing how to respond.
I strongly suggest in those moments to not respond or at least say as little as possible. Take some time to reflect on the situation, consult with someone who you respect and has a track record of giving sound (wise) advice. I personally pray about these type of issues. I gain much clarity and am able to work through my emotions more effectively. All this is to say take time to think before responding. Some times when facing fear a bold and courageous response is in order. Thus breaking intimidation and feelings of inferiority. However a knee jerk response is birthed out of a perceived fear and is usually associated to a past experience or false perception.
2015 has officially begun!! I know many are used to hearing “New year, New Me” slogans or even participating in the timeless tradition of making New Years “resolutions.” Needless to say these things are popular at the start of a new year. It gives structure and motivation to some who are desiring to make significant changes in their lives and to help them achieve certain goals. All in all not a bad thing. Nevertheless for most it is just another “feel good” activity only to camouflage the fear of making any REAL change. It hides the lack of discipline to see a resolution through into an actual lifestyle change. That being said I personally have decided to shift my energy elsewhere.
In the year of 2015, if we are indeed going to break free from the past; its limitations, hinderances, personal insecurities and experience REAL change, approval from other people is something you are going to have to live without. There is a saying that “If you live for people’s approval you will die by their rejection.” And this is a harsh reality for many. Their identity is solely wrapped up in the acceptance and approval of others. It’s as if they are sentenced to live within the confines of someone else’s thoughts, opinions and/or personal like or dislike of who they are. Many surrender their desire for change in some area of their lives (or even worst their dream) because it may in fact directly conflict with someone else’s personal opinion.
It is a dangerous thing to have your self-worth relying so heavily on such individuals. You render the power to people who are often not: A. Walking in their purpose or pursing a dream of any kind, B. Setting goals where they are challenged or stretched in any way (ie. they continually choose what is comfortable and safe), and C. Wanting anything more out of life (ie. they have decided this is as far as they are going to go). They secretly have given up somewhere along the way and whether knowingly or not they want you to remain in the same boat with them. But this is where I draw the line……
In the year of 2015 I have NO desire (whatsoever) to follow people around in circles just because they have given up on their dream and/or purpose AND are afraid to take the necessary steps to move forward. I am not interested in making plans or “new years resolutions” of which I have no intension of following through with. And if this is your desire let me warm you some within your relationship circle may not like or approve of your proposed changes. In fact some relationships may suffer or dare I say end due to your choice! The key is to not let the short term pain impede your ability to make effective long term decision.
Now don’t get me wrong relationships are a wonderful thing; a great blessing. However it shouldn’t prevent you from pursuing whatever dream/goals that is within your heart. Within every relationship love and acceptance should be given freely; it should be a two way street. It should never be withheld at the cost of one’s dream or purpose. That is just too high of a price to pay……
In 2015 choose to breakout and break free from anything or anyone that will impede your progress!! I can honestly say one man’s opinion is not enough for me to forfeit my dream…..
This is the year to be more than ever before. Don’t let anything stop that from happening. A new years resolution is nothing without the boldness to walk it out…..
Recently I took a break from writing my blogs. During which time I still continued song writing, however I must say the break was absolutely necessary. It was partly due to transitioning from a part-time evening job to a day time job, nonetheless I’m glad I did it. For one it gave me an opportunity to just reflect without feeling the need to write down every thought, idea, concept came across my mind. It also afforded me the opportunity to live life away from deadlines; pressure I pit on myself to regulate productivity as a writer. Thus freeing me to go through the stages of everyday life, and the processes and experiences along the way. This creates room for introspection, which is desperately needed as a writer.
All of which produces great writing. There is a saying that says “When you understand who you are and where you are you can therefore move forward more effectively in goals and in life” (Quote by Yours Truly ~Me~). Yet we live in an age where people cram their calendar and timetable with endless activities and appointments that there never seems be time spend alone. Away from task lists, events, work, recreational activities, social media, the internet and the almighty cell phone!! As if always being busy and involved in a wide variety of things is a sign of knowing your identity and walking in your purpose. But sadly this is not the case.
I’ve heard the greek saying “know thyself” and have thought that statement is easier said than done. The sad reality is it takes a brave soul, one desiring to grow and move beyond their current stage, to pull away and allow time for reflection, introspection, and personal development. Unfortunately many don’t always get the privilege to do so, and even when the opportunity is presented it is seldom taken. Often status, position, social connection and the flow of public accolades chain people to somethings that deep down is unfulfilling and breeds discontentment . Nevertheless the thought of walking away from it all scares them. So they stay accepting the level of disconnect they have with themselves and what they are accomplishing with their lives.
You would be surprised to know that this is a rather pressing issue. I come across it quite regularly. No one knows who they are or where they are going in life. In my last post I shared that I started song writing again. When embarking on any new endeavor one must realize other areas of your life can and will be effected. I have had to pull away to get a greater handle who I am and where I’m going. The time away was absolutely critical; hence the break in my writing. Picking up the pieces of once a shattered dream is a very emotional process. It was a hurtle I had to overcome. This type of issue should not be worked out when surrounded by public spectators.
Taking a break from whatever it is that you do is a gift you give yourself. Don’t withhold from yourself the one thing that is within your power to give…….
Hello One and All!!! I know it I has been some time since my last post. I do apologize for that, but the truth is I have been having the most amazing time. Over the past month I have been on a whirlwind of a roller coaster ride. One with many twists and turn, but nevertheless it is a ride I do not regret getting on. In my last post on October 7th I talked about desire not being enough. These words have never reigned more true. We are all responsible for more than just having a dream and wishing and praying for it to happen. Yet the one thing that is usually within our power to do is often the thing we don’t do or don’t want to do. Keeping in mind there is only some much we as human beings can do factoring in things like time, space and resources, however sitting and waiting for something to happen seems pointless and rather unproductive.
So currently I am tackling a number areas. I have begun song writing and taking guitar lessons. I have never taken guitar lessons before. This is something completely new for me. Song writing, however, is something I used to do a long time ago, but stopped doing because there didn’t seem to be an avenue in which they could be used. And to be honest I wasn’t confident in my writing ability at the time, so achieving success did not seem possible. Now this is where I have experienced the most change; in the area of my perspective and perception of myself.
Your attitude about yourself will play a huge role in the quality of life you end up having. No one is responsible for it. This is an area you have to regulate for yourself. I have often been guilty of “making the quantum leap” down a road of negativity and self-sabotaging trains of thought. I make assumptions through the filter of what once was hindering my quality of life right now. It’s astounding that no matter gifted, talented, capable, strong and independent I am shadows of the past seem to present itself. Nonetheless it is up to me to not negatively categorized myself, boxing me in, therefore not allowing me the freedom to venture into uncharted territory. We similarly blame others for making assumptions about us, but often we make assumptions about ourselves. We limit our own choices, moments of opportunity and genuine happiness due to your own negative/false perceptions. You could be in the most exciting time of your life if you just allow yourself to live it!!
I also forgot to mention I am working with a great musician. He is helping with musical side to my song writing. It was actually nerve racking showing him the songs I had written. In my mind I was thinking “What if they suck and he ends up laughing at me?” But then I thought “Wait a minute…enough of that nonsense!!” These are exactly the type of things that must be nipped in the bud!!
I encourage you today don’t be your worst enemy!! Take a chance and try something new; something you’ve always wanted to do. And if it fails or doesn’t workout at least you’ll know. I would rather know I tried and failed to live with the unknown and regret……
Change is something many of us want, and yet have difficulty accepting. The thought of their current reality changing in anyway makes some very nervous, nevertheless deep with in every heart there is a desire for change. To do more, to be more, to go beyond our current circumstances and reach our highest potential. Needless to say the desire to have change is simply not enough. You must be determined to do what is necessary to bring about the change you desire.
I have always marveled at the number of people who say they are working on a particular goal or earnestly want change in a certain area of their life. To say you are working on something, anything, requires a action plan of some sort. Meaning, you should be doing something ie. taking the necessary steps towards your goal or desired change. I say I marvel because there usually is no evidence that coincides with whatever change they want. It is one thing to have made an attempt towards your goal or have taken some steps forward and experienced a setback. This shows an effort has been made. But you can not say you desire “real” change if you choose to do NOTHING!!
Interestingly enough the desire for change and the willingness to get the job done is often short lived when we hit this little thing called “PROCESS.” All resolve seems to completely go out the window when we see the harsh reality of all the WORK we are required to do. However, we must understand when pursuing anything of worth and value we must be committed for the long hall; until the job is done. The process can not be avoided. In fact the process is a valuable tool which helps us to grow and mature, so that when you achieve success or whatever is you are striving for you are able to manage it with grace, poise and wisdom.
We live in a generation that demands instant gratification. The idea of it being delayed is almost offensive. The truth is success costs something. Whether that is time, money, effort (or all three) you are required to something in order for what you desire to come to pass. Change just doesn’t happen. A goal is not reached by simply wishing. Work is involved. Success comes at a high price. The way I see it the process is like you paying the bill up front.
Do the work because in the end no one else is going to do it for you!!!