Unspoken Fear

In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest.  However there has been a change of plans.  I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting.  While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video.  After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the  male friend who shared the video clip.  Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.

The scenario is as follows.  A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach.  The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs.  The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else.  He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded.  The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.

Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance.  I have always had weight issues.  At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition.  Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind.  I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail.  I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself.  Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already  believe.  This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count.  What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others.  If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship.  Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.

First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!!  If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in.  Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else.  Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable.  Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look.  The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see.  Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship.  I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Video Clip:

Breaking The Silence

We all know there are many differences between the sexes.  Since the beginning of time it is very apparent men and women think, feel and perceive things in very different ways.  This is especially true in the area of communication.  Nevertheless no matter how each sex chooses to engage with each other one must choose to “Break The Silence.”  Today’s topic is one that has caused many heated discussions and continues to be debated whenever it comes up in conversation.  Just recently I was at a wedding and this particular topic came up during the course of the evening.  Unfortunately it kind of put one poor soul on the hot seat, however it did further support my personal theory on the subject.

When first initiating any form of dialog with someone of the opposite sex each side tries to hold out and insists the other person should do it first.  It often feels like a group of kindergarden age children refusing to play fairly in a game of tag ie. “You’re it!….No YOU’RE it.”  As you can see the pattern and the potential it has to continue unnecessarily.  The cycle usually continues because no one is willing to take the first step, be honest about their feelings and show some vulnerability.

I have often wondered WHY men take SO (so, so, so very) long to approach a woman that intrigues them and that they clearly find attractive.  I am told it is because they want to be really sure, but come on!!  Like how “sure” do you need to be in order to make a move…… Currently in our contemporary society with Feminism and female empowerment there is huge expectation for the woman to establish the lines of communication.  I for one am not a fan of this because it give the excuse for the man to do absolutely NOTHING allowing the woman to do all the work.  However I can see how this would help a more shy, self-conscious type of guy.  At any rate I still feel that expecting the woman to break the silent is an excuse to find your true feelings and invest very little in a relationship you claim you want.

Although I personally am more traditional and want to be pursued if indeed a man has feelings for me I am not opposed to equal levels of disclosers from both sides of the fence.  But at the end of the day someone has to take the first step, and I feel the man should do it!!!

Our next post I will have talked to a few different men and women to get their perspective.  Like, comment or share!! I would love to her from you!!

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

A Real Resolution

2015 has officially begun!! I know many are used to hearing “New year, New Me” slogans or even participating in the timeless tradition of making New Years “resolutions.” Needless to say these things are popular at the start of a new year. It gives structure and motivation to some who are desiring to make significant changes in their lives and to help them achieve certain goals. All in all not a bad thing. Nevertheless for most it is just another “feel good” activity only to camouflage the fear of making any REAL change. It hides the lack of discipline to see a resolution through into an actual lifestyle change. That being said I personally have decided to shift my energy elsewhere.

In the year of 2015, if we are indeed going to break free from the past; its limitations, hinderances, personal insecurities and experience REAL change, approval from other people is something you are going to have to live without. There is a saying that “If you live for people’s approval you will die by their rejection.” And this is a harsh reality for many. Their identity is solely wrapped up in the acceptance and approval of others. It’s as if they are sentenced to live within the confines of someone else’s thoughts, opinions and/or personal like or dislike of who they are. Many surrender their desire for change in some area of their lives (or even worst their dream) because it may in fact directly conflict with someone else’s personal opinion.

It is a dangerous thing to have your self-worth relying so heavily on such individuals. You render the power to people who are often not: A. Walking in their purpose or pursing a dream of any kind, B. Setting goals where they are challenged or stretched in any way (ie. they continually choose what is comfortable and safe), and C. Wanting anything more out of life (ie. they have decided this is as far as they are going to go). They secretly have given up somewhere along the way and whether knowingly or not they want you to remain in the same boat with them. But this is where I draw the line……

In the year of 2015 I have NO desire (whatsoever) to follow people around in circles just because they have given up on their dream and/or purpose AND are afraid to take the necessary steps to move forward. I am not interested in making plans or “new years resolutions” of which I have no intension of following through with. And if this is your desire let me warm you some within your relationship circle may not like or approve of your proposed changes. In fact some relationships may suffer or dare I say end due to your choice! The key is to not let the short term pain impede your ability to make effective long term decision.

Now don’t get me wrong relationships are a wonderful thing; a great blessing. However it shouldn’t prevent you from pursuing whatever dream/goals that is within your heart. Within every relationship love and acceptance should be given freely; it should be a two way street. It should never be withheld at the cost of one’s dream or purpose. That is just too high of a price to pay……

In 2015 choose to breakout and break free from anything or anyone that will impede your progress!! I can honestly say one man’s opinion is not enough for me to forfeit my dream…..

This is the year to be more than ever before. Don’t let anything stop that from happening. A new years resolution is nothing without the boldness to walk it out…..

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Introspection

Recently I took a break from writing my blogs. During which time I still continued song writing, however I must say the break was absolutely necessary. It was partly due to transitioning from a part-time evening job to a day time job, nonetheless I’m glad I did it. For one it gave me an opportunity to just reflect without feeling the need to write down every thought, idea, concept came across my mind. It also afforded me the opportunity to live life away from deadlines; pressure I pit on myself to regulate productivity as a writer. Thus freeing me to go through the stages of everyday life, and the processes and experiences along the way. This creates room for introspection, which is desperately needed as a writer.

All of which produces great writing. There is a saying that says “When you understand who you are and where you are you can therefore move forward more effectively in goals and in life” (Quote by Yours Truly ~Me~). Yet we live in an age where people cram their calendar and timetable with endless activities and appointments that there never seems be time spend alone. Away from task lists, events, work, recreational activities, social media, the internet and the almighty cell phone!! As if always being busy and involved in a wide variety of things is a sign of knowing your identity and walking in your purpose. But sadly this is not the case.

I’ve heard the greek saying “know thyself” and have thought that statement is easier said than done. The sad reality is it takes a brave soul, one desiring to grow and move beyond their current stage, to pull away and allow time for reflection, introspection, and personal development. Unfortunately many don’t always get the privilege to do so, and even when the opportunity is presented it is seldom taken. Often status, position, social connection and the flow of public accolades chain people to somethings that deep down is unfulfilling and breeds discontentment . Nevertheless the thought of walking away from it all scares them. So they stay accepting the level of disconnect they have with themselves and what they are accomplishing with their lives.

You would be surprised to know that this is a rather pressing issue. I come across it quite regularly. No one knows who they are or where they are going in life. In my last post I shared that I started song writing again. When embarking on any new endeavor one must realize other areas of your life can and will be effected. I have had to pull away to get a greater handle who I am and where I’m going. The time away was absolutely critical; hence the break in my writing. Picking up the pieces of once a shattered dream is a very emotional process. It was a hurtle I had to overcome. This type of issue should not be worked out when surrounded by public spectators.

Taking a break from whatever it is that you do is a gift you give yourself. Don’t withhold from yourself the one thing that is within your power to give…….

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Reflections

Hello One and All!!! I know it I has been some time since my last post. I do apologize for that, but the truth is I have been having the most amazing time. Over the past month I have been on a whirlwind of a roller coaster ride. One with many twists and turn, but nevertheless it is a ride I do not regret getting on. In my last post on October 7th I talked about desire not being enough. These words have never reigned more true. We are all responsible for more than just having a dream and wishing and praying for it to happen. Yet the one thing that is usually within our power to do is often the thing we don’t do or don’t want to do. Keeping in mind there is only some much we as human beings can do factoring in things like time, space and resources, however sitting and waiting for something to happen seems pointless and rather unproductive.

So currently I am tackling a number areas. I have begun song writing and taking guitar lessons. I have never taken guitar lessons before. This is something completely new for me. Song writing, however, is something I used to do a long time ago, but stopped doing because there didn’t seem to be an avenue in which they could be used. And to be honest I wasn’t confident in my writing ability at the time, so achieving success did not seem possible. Now this is where I have experienced the most change; in the area of my perspective and perception of myself.

Your attitude about yourself will play a huge role in the quality of life you end up having. No one is responsible for it. This is an area you have to regulate for yourself. I have often been guilty of “making the quantum leap” down a road of negativity and self-sabotaging trains of thought. I make assumptions through the filter of what once was hindering my quality of life right now. It’s astounding that no matter gifted, talented, capable, strong and independent I am shadows of the past seem to present itself. Nonetheless it is up to me to not negatively categorized myself, boxing me in, therefore not allowing me the freedom to venture into uncharted territory. We similarly blame others for making assumptions about us, but often we make assumptions about ourselves. We limit our own choices, moments of opportunity and genuine happiness due to your own negative/false perceptions. You could be in the most exciting time of your life if you just allow yourself to live it!!

I also forgot to mention I am working with a great musician. He is helping with musical side to my song writing. It was actually nerve racking showing him the songs I had written. In my mind I was thinking “What if they suck and he ends up laughing at me?” But then I thought “Wait a minute…enough of that nonsense!!” These are exactly the type of things that must be nipped in the bud!!

I encourage you today don’t be your worst enemy!! Take a chance and try something new; something you’ve always wanted to do. And if it fails or doesn’t workout at least you’ll know. I would rather know I tried and failed to live with the unknown and regret……

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Twitter: @littleroseca

Deadly Combination

Understanding the nature of human behaviour is a never ending area of study. Much can be learned by simply watch people and observing their responses to various situations. Over the years I have noticed a pattern which has proven to be harmful and rather destructive. This combination has the ability to bring someone with amazing capabilities and seemingly limitless potential to their knees. If allowed to go unchecked it will cause great instability in one’s life thereby cultivating an ego size problem. The desire for power, position and control in conjunction with personal insecurity is a toxic connection. These two complex paradigms if allowed to co-exist can end up destroying every possible opportunity one could ever receive. The grip of insecurity together with a position with power and authority can truly be disastrous.

When in a position of authority where the right to make decisions is given one must handled it with EXTREME caution. Although it is unrealistic to wait until an individual is thoroughly prepared/equipped when placed in a role or position such a person should continue to work on their character and/or shortcomings while in their role. There are no perfect people, but life has a way of throwing imperfect people into demanding and influential positions/situations. With no prior notice everything about your life can change over night, nevertheless the weight of the power, influence and authority being extended should never be taken lightly.

I have witnessed individuals with raging gaps of insecurity covertly use their position and power as an avenue in which to gain validation. Often it is fueled by an attempt to make up for negative past experiences or acquire social-emotional support that was never received and even compensate for feelings of inadequacy. In the process of doing this they dominate over individuals, misuse the power and authority given. The sole purpose of this is to fulfill their own personal needs. Operating under the view that they are managing their personal property they used and abused power/authority as if it were a pawn in an chess game. In the end giving them personal gratification.

We live in a world where people are not valued. Where climbing the corporate ladder and gaining success ie. money, power, position and recognition is of the upmost importance. But if you do little research you will see success through the eyes of power and control does not bring happiness or fulfillment. They only lead to destruction where you live a sad, empty, meaningless life. Having aspirations is great!! Part of success is having a goal(s), making a plan, working hard and self-discipline. However the highest form of success is being able to handle the pressure achieving that role or position, and maintaining your integrity while still allowing your character to be refined. Success without character is a big fat F ie. Fail!!

Validation through manipulating powerful or control is a recipe for disaster. I guarantee your success will be short lived. I have had the privilege of learning from other peoples mistakes. I have learned the quest for power and control is highly overrated. It is a key I am not sure I am willing to use. The stakes are just too high….
I desire to be successful and achieve all I am called to do, but the higher you go the greater the risk. The risk of loosing perspective and claiming ownership of something that is not your own.

Honestly being willing to work on yourself on the ground level is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If something comes up and you get moved ahead that’s great and if not consider it a blessing.

Cause if you’re not ready, you’re not ready…….

Refining Beauty
~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Twitter: @littleroseca

Fitting The Mold

Along the road of self discovery I have had to lay aside many things unnecessary for the journey. I am amazed at what junk I have been carrying around with me. But the more I purge myself of things like bitterness, unforgiveness, hurts from the past, distorted perceptions and world views I feel more content with who I am and where my life is going. How I see life, things, people has drastically changed. I have shifted and am continuing to shift in my way of thinking. The one thing that has altered most is my desire to fit in. I have accepted or rather embraced the fact that I will never fit the mold.

In this day and age it means much to be confident; content with who you are, where you’re at and what you feel you are called to do. Nevertheless we live in a society where they are quick to judge and compare, essentially undermine your unique design/make-up as an individual. Needless to say every institution you go through in life manages to reduce you to a number or category leaving no room for originality or distinction. This is where I have always had a problem.

I can name many well know individuals who are original, unique, authentic, exceptional and rather outstanding. When I looked into their stories the majority of them had trouble in school, family issues, poor peer relationships, criminal involvement, etc. Strangely enough the most common theme among them is a “non-conformist” type of attitude. And this is where I actually fit in! My entire life I have been forced to act and behave in a way that suited others. Always pressured to fit the mold of whatever expectation laid out by whoever was in authority over me. Hence I had an issue with rebellion, authority and was at one point every very abstinent. Sadly almost everyone I came across in a position of authority abused it and for some reason hated my strength, boldness and tenacity.

There were many attempts to undermine my integrity, make me feel inferior and cause me to question my gifts and abilities. And it actually worked. However once I realized that I was the one allowing it to happen I began to see things through a different light. My strength, boldness, tenacity is a gift. Being original, authentic and having this kind of distinction is a blessing. I should embrace not fight it!!

I thankful to be at a place in my life where I am comfortable with who I am. Now unfortunately this may rub some people the wrong way. Nevertheless this is something I am willing to live with. It has been my experience that the ones who oppose your originality or distinction are usually the one who wish they had the courage to stand out and be different.

I am thanking God He has truly made me this way. I no longer have the desire to fit in or be accepted my the masses. To be a real person of change you must be willing to break the mold, stand apart and take the road less travelled.

Refining Beauty
~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Twitter: @littleroseca