In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest. However there has been a change of plans. I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting. While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video. After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the male friend who shared the video clip. Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.
The scenario is as follows. A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach. The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs. The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else. He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded. The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.
Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance. I have always had weight issues. At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition. Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind. I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail. I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself. Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already believe. This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count. What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others. If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship. Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.
First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!! If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in. Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else. Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable. Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look. The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see. Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship. I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..
The area of relationships is one that I could spend many hours of study. Human behavior is so fascinating; the how’s and why’s behind peoples thoughts and behaviours have alway peaked my interest. Needless to say in the area of dating or dare I say romance I have found it rather intriguing, but at the same time perplexing. Over the next couple of weeks (or maybe longer) I am going to be digging into the matter of relationship between men and women.
I will be sharing sharing some of my own personal experiences as well as some stories from a few of my close friends. We will be looking at why women act or respond in certain ways ie. what are our triggers and areas of sensitivity, and the same with regards to men. I will be relying on some of my male friends to to fill in the missing pieces when it comes to the male species.
I look forward to this series evolving and I hope you will join me as I delve deeper into this topic!!
2015 has officially begun!! I know many are used to hearing “New year, New Me” slogans or even participating in the timeless tradition of making New Years “resolutions.” Needless to say these things are popular at the start of a new year. It gives structure and motivation to some who are desiring to make significant changes in their lives and to help them achieve certain goals. All in all not a bad thing. Nevertheless for most it is just another “feel good” activity only to camouflage the fear of making any REAL change. It hides the lack of discipline to see a resolution through into an actual lifestyle change. That being said I personally have decided to shift my energy elsewhere.
In the year of 2015, if we are indeed going to break free from the past; its limitations, hinderances, personal insecurities and experience REAL change, approval from other people is something you are going to have to live without. There is a saying that “If you live for people’s approval you will die by their rejection.” And this is a harsh reality for many. Their identity is solely wrapped up in the acceptance and approval of others. It’s as if they are sentenced to live within the confines of someone else’s thoughts, opinions and/or personal like or dislike of who they are. Many surrender their desire for change in some area of their lives (or even worst their dream) because it may in fact directly conflict with someone else’s personal opinion.
It is a dangerous thing to have your self-worth relying so heavily on such individuals. You render the power to people who are often not: A. Walking in their purpose or pursing a dream of any kind, B. Setting goals where they are challenged or stretched in any way (ie. they continually choose what is comfortable and safe), and C. Wanting anything more out of life (ie. they have decided this is as far as they are going to go). They secretly have given up somewhere along the way and whether knowingly or not they want you to remain in the same boat with them. But this is where I draw the line……
In the year of 2015 I have NO desire (whatsoever) to follow people around in circles just because they have given up on their dream and/or purpose AND are afraid to take the necessary steps to move forward. I am not interested in making plans or “new years resolutions” of which I have no intension of following through with. And if this is your desire let me warm you some within your relationship circle may not like or approve of your proposed changes. In fact some relationships may suffer or dare I say end due to your choice! The key is to not let the short term pain impede your ability to make effective long term decision.
Now don’t get me wrong relationships are a wonderful thing; a great blessing. However it shouldn’t prevent you from pursuing whatever dream/goals that is within your heart. Within every relationship love and acceptance should be given freely; it should be a two way street. It should never be withheld at the cost of one’s dream or purpose. That is just too high of a price to pay……
In 2015 choose to breakout and break free from anything or anyone that will impede your progress!! I can honestly say one man’s opinion is not enough for me to forfeit my dream…..
This is the year to be more than ever before. Don’t let anything stop that from happening. A new years resolution is nothing without the boldness to walk it out…..
Understanding the nature of human behaviour is a never ending area of study. Much can be learned by simply watch people and observing their responses to various situations. Over the years I have noticed a pattern which has proven to be harmful and rather destructive. This combination has the ability to bring someone with amazing capabilities and seemingly limitless potential to their knees. If allowed to go unchecked it will cause great instability in one’s life thereby cultivating an ego size problem. The desire for power, position and control in conjunction with personal insecurity is a toxic connection. These two complex paradigms if allowed to co-exist can end up destroying every possible opportunity one could ever receive. The grip of insecurity together with a position with power and authority can truly be disastrous.
When in a position of authority where the right to make decisions is given one must handled it with EXTREME caution. Although it is unrealistic to wait until an individual is thoroughly prepared/equipped when placed in a role or position such a person should continue to work on their character and/or shortcomings while in their role. There are no perfect people, but life has a way of throwing imperfect people into demanding and influential positions/situations. With no prior notice everything about your life can change over night, nevertheless the weight of the power, influence and authority being extended should never be taken lightly.
I have witnessed individuals with raging gaps of insecurity covertly use their position and power as an avenue in which to gain validation. Often it is fueled by an attempt to make up for negative past experiences or acquire social-emotional support that was never received and even compensate for feelings of inadequacy. In the process of doing this they dominate over individuals, misuse the power and authority given. The sole purpose of this is to fulfill their own personal needs. Operating under the view that they are managing their personal property they used and abused power/authority as if it were a pawn in an chess game. In the end giving them personal gratification.
We live in a world where people are not valued. Where climbing the corporate ladder and gaining success ie. money, power, position and recognition is of the upmost importance. But if you do little research you will see success through the eyes of power and control does not bring happiness or fulfillment. They only lead to destruction where you live a sad, empty, meaningless life. Having aspirations is great!! Part of success is having a goal(s), making a plan, working hard and self-discipline. However the highest form of success is being able to handle the pressure achieving that role or position, and maintaining your integrity while still allowing your character to be refined. Success without character is a big fat F ie. Fail!!
Validation through manipulating powerful or control is a recipe for disaster. I guarantee your success will be short lived. I have had the privilege of learning from other peoples mistakes. I have learned the quest for power and control is highly overrated. It is a key I am not sure I am willing to use. The stakes are just too high….
I desire to be successful and achieve all I am called to do, but the higher you go the greater the risk. The risk of loosing perspective and claiming ownership of something that is not your own.
Honestly being willing to work on yourself on the ground level is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If something comes up and you get moved ahead that’s great and if not consider it a blessing.
Cause if you’re not ready, you’re not ready…….
~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~
Thank YOU to all who are taking time to read this blog!! It really means a lot!! It is my desire that this blog will not only discuss the idea of “REAL” beauty and challenge the current stereotypes and social norms surrounding a woman’s appearance, but also take a hard look at the many issues which impact women specially in the area of self-esteem, relationships and world views. As mentioned before women are complex. There are many sides which make up a woman and none should ever be overlooked or taken lightly! Yet time and time again women some how get reduced to being a sexual object with the sole purpose of satisfying ones sexual pleasure. This sadly is not a new issue, but one that has plagued women centuries.
Now I’m not a feminist by any means, but I have often wondered what it was like for women in the year days who fought for women’s rights. The right to an education, to work and earn money, to own property or even run for political office. The rights I freely exercise today! It is amazing to think it wasn’t that long ago women were given the right to vote or permitted to hold positions that were solely designated to men. Nevertheless even in the mist of progress to this day women are fragrantly portrayed and often treated as women sexual objects. With the media, the entertainment industry both film and music [mainly pornography and rap music] along with human trafficking playing a huge role in perpetuating these archaic ideals the real problems lies when women themselves adopt these notions into their own core values.
Over the course of my career in Social Services I have had the opportunity to speak with numerous young girls and women and I am always astounded by what they believe about themselves. An array of experiences have brought them to that place, but the root of it all the same. A lie. At some point a lie was presented masquerading as the truth. Deception set in and the lie was embraced truth. Strangely enough many have shared they all felt something was wrong with what was said or done and yet never challenged it. Giving life to the lie that they are an object ie. “if it happened or if it was said it must be true.”
Being objectified is a degrading and deeply wounding experience. It rips at the fabric of a woman’s soul. If not addressed it can become a wall barricading one from ever having a full life; like a self inflicted prison. Because the truth is you can never out run what you believe about yourself. It is virtually impossible! In some form or another whether big or some every woman has experienced this, myself included. I too have had to fight to not believe the lies that were once presented to me as truth. It is a battle I still fight today in some ways. I am fortunate to have a great support network including friends and family, my faith and a strong church who constantly speak words of life and positivity into my life. Always reminding me that the past and what said or done does not dictate nor determined who I am or what I will become.
Never let the actions or the words of one person over shadow the beauty of who you are. You are NOT an object nor is your sole purpose for someone else’s personal gratification.
You are so much more than that!! Never forget it!!