Being Yourself

Taking a closer look at the nature of dating and relationships has been quite enlightening so far.  In my previous post I touched on the “Unspoken Fears” women deal with when in a committed relationship.  It has caused me to do my own personal internal spring cleaning; to take a closer look at myself and any insecurities I may have.  Many avoid doing it, but I have learned it is needed periodically throughout life.  Working through such things affords you the opportunity to grow and mature.  This will ensure you have a positive dating experience and help you choose a suitable and compatible life partner.  The better you know yourself the more equipped you are to enter into and maintain a life long relationship.

I’ve often wondered why people hide aspects of who they are during the dating process.  I’ve even heard stories of individuals who pretend to be someone else through the ENTIRE dating period right up until marriage.  This is a frightening thought!!  I would assume it is because there are parts of themselves that they are ashamed of or insecure about.  For some there may be other reasons, but it has been my observation that this is the case.  Yet if building a long, lasting relationship is your end goal, being yourself is the only way to ensure the relationship is successful.

In speaking with a close friend she shared her experiences from a past relationship.  In her case she sacrificed much of who she was to make her mate happy.  Surrendering her identity out of fear among other things.  She subjected herself to a man who was controlling, inconsiderate and unwilling to work on himself or contribute equally to the relationship.  Now looking back if she was given another chance to do things over she definitely would.  And oddly enough I am at that the same place.

I no longer believe fairly tales, however I do believe in committed relationships based on honesty, respect, acceptance, communication, kindness and trust.  I have also held myself back out of fear of rejection.  Nevertheless I have come to realize any relationship where I have to change who I am in order for it to work and be accepted is a relationship I don’t want.  Don’t forfeit your happiness out of a fear of ending up alone or whatever other thought crosses your mind.  Settling for such a reason will only ensure your own unhappiness.

Being happy with yourself is more important than someone else being happy with you…..

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

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Unspoken Fear

In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest.  However there has been a change of plans.  I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting.  While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video.  After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the  male friend who shared the video clip.  Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.

The scenario is as follows.  A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach.  The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs.  The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else.  He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded.  The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.

Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance.  I have always had weight issues.  At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition.  Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind.  I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail.  I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself.  Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already  believe.  This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count.  What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others.  If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship.  Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.

First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!!  If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in.  Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else.  Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable.  Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look.  The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see.  Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship.  I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Video Clip:

Breaking The Silence

We all know there are many differences between the sexes.  Since the beginning of time it is very apparent men and women think, feel and perceive things in very different ways.  This is especially true in the area of communication.  Nevertheless no matter how each sex chooses to engage with each other one must choose to “Break The Silence.”  Today’s topic is one that has caused many heated discussions and continues to be debated whenever it comes up in conversation.  Just recently I was at a wedding and this particular topic came up during the course of the evening.  Unfortunately it kind of put one poor soul on the hot seat, however it did further support my personal theory on the subject.

When first initiating any form of dialog with someone of the opposite sex each side tries to hold out and insists the other person should do it first.  It often feels like a group of kindergarden age children refusing to play fairly in a game of tag ie. “You’re it!….No YOU’RE it.”  As you can see the pattern and the potential it has to continue unnecessarily.  The cycle usually continues because no one is willing to take the first step, be honest about their feelings and show some vulnerability.

I have often wondered WHY men take SO (so, so, so very) long to approach a woman that intrigues them and that they clearly find attractive.  I am told it is because they want to be really sure, but come on!!  Like how “sure” do you need to be in order to make a move…… Currently in our contemporary society with Feminism and female empowerment there is huge expectation for the woman to establish the lines of communication.  I for one am not a fan of this because it give the excuse for the man to do absolutely NOTHING allowing the woman to do all the work.  However I can see how this would help a more shy, self-conscious type of guy.  At any rate I still feel that expecting the woman to break the silent is an excuse to find your true feelings and invest very little in a relationship you claim you want.

Although I personally am more traditional and want to be pursued if indeed a man has feelings for me I am not opposed to equal levels of disclosers from both sides of the fence.  But at the end of the day someone has to take the first step, and I feel the man should do it!!!

Our next post I will have talked to a few different men and women to get their perspective.  Like, comment or share!! I would love to her from you!!

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Relationships: The Introduction

The area of relationships is one that I could spend many hours of study.  Human behavior is so fascinating; the how’s and why’s behind peoples thoughts and behaviours have alway peaked my interest.  Needless to say in the area of dating or dare I say romance I have found it rather intriguing, but at the same time perplexing.  Over the next couple of weeks (or maybe longer) I am going to be digging into the matter of relationship between men and women.

I will be sharing sharing some of my own personal experiences as well as some stories from a few of my close friends.  We will be looking at why women act or respond in certain ways ie. what are our triggers and areas of sensitivity, and the same with regards to men.  I will be relying on some of my male friends to to fill in the missing pieces when it comes to the male species.

I look forward to this series evolving and I hope you will join me as I delve deeper into this topic!!

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~