In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest. However there has been a change of plans. I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting. While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video. After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the male friend who shared the video clip. Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.
The scenario is as follows. A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach. The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs. The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else. He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded. The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.
Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance. I have always had weight issues. At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition. Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind. I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail. I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself. Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already believe. This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count. What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others. If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship. Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.
First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!! If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in. Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else. Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable. Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look. The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see. Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship. I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..
2015 has officially begun!! I know many are used to hearing “New year, New Me” slogans or even participating in the timeless tradition of making New Years “resolutions.” Needless to say these things are popular at the start of a new year. It gives structure and motivation to some who are desiring to make significant changes in their lives and to help them achieve certain goals. All in all not a bad thing. Nevertheless for most it is just another “feel good” activity only to camouflage the fear of making any REAL change. It hides the lack of discipline to see a resolution through into an actual lifestyle change. That being said I personally have decided to shift my energy elsewhere.
In the year of 2015, if we are indeed going to break free from the past; its limitations, hinderances, personal insecurities and experience REAL change, approval from other people is something you are going to have to live without. There is a saying that “If you live for people’s approval you will die by their rejection.” And this is a harsh reality for many. Their identity is solely wrapped up in the acceptance and approval of others. It’s as if they are sentenced to live within the confines of someone else’s thoughts, opinions and/or personal like or dislike of who they are. Many surrender their desire for change in some area of their lives (or even worst their dream) because it may in fact directly conflict with someone else’s personal opinion.
It is a dangerous thing to have your self-worth relying so heavily on such individuals. You render the power to people who are often not: A. Walking in their purpose or pursing a dream of any kind, B. Setting goals where they are challenged or stretched in any way (ie. they continually choose what is comfortable and safe), and C. Wanting anything more out of life (ie. they have decided this is as far as they are going to go). They secretly have given up somewhere along the way and whether knowingly or not they want you to remain in the same boat with them. But this is where I draw the line……
In the year of 2015 I have NO desire (whatsoever) to follow people around in circles just because they have given up on their dream and/or purpose AND are afraid to take the necessary steps to move forward. I am not interested in making plans or “new years resolutions” of which I have no intension of following through with. And if this is your desire let me warm you some within your relationship circle may not like or approve of your proposed changes. In fact some relationships may suffer or dare I say end due to your choice! The key is to not let the short term pain impede your ability to make effective long term decision.
Now don’t get me wrong relationships are a wonderful thing; a great blessing. However it shouldn’t prevent you from pursuing whatever dream/goals that is within your heart. Within every relationship love and acceptance should be given freely; it should be a two way street. It should never be withheld at the cost of one’s dream or purpose. That is just too high of a price to pay……
In 2015 choose to breakout and break free from anything or anyone that will impede your progress!! I can honestly say one man’s opinion is not enough for me to forfeit my dream…..
This is the year to be more than ever before. Don’t let anything stop that from happening. A new years resolution is nothing without the boldness to walk it out…..
Hello Everyone!! I trust you all are enjoying your summer!! I can honestly say that I am!! The weather has finally warmed up and I am venturing outside to enjoy it. I have been doing a lot of walking. It is a great way to get some exercise, but it also gives me time to reflect on where I am and where I’m going. Most importantly it has given me time to think through what my next steps will be. As I said before embarking on this journey of transformation has been a major endeavor, however I have gladly taken on the challenge. Of course it is has not been without it’s challenges, nevertheless it has also come with many successes.
Now I know my last post “The Blame Game” was a number of weeks ago, yet much of what I am experiencing now is the ripple effects of walking through the last stage of this current process. By taking an honest look at myself ie. weaknesses and shortcomings I am better able to improve those areas, therefore enabling me to move forward into the things I know I am destined to do with my life. That being said even with all the assessing and critiquing I have begun to walk in a new level of confidence. Confidence in who I can, my area of gifting and abilities, but most importantly a greater acceptance in the uniqueness of my journey, and where this path is leading me.
Only recently I realized how much the approval or disapproval of others still influenced me (the way I think and feel about myself) and impacted the decisions I made. In many of my previous blogs I spoke about being unique, original, different and truly embracing that, however the truth is these routes often comes with periods of loneliness, being misunderstood and feelings of isolation. Things I frequently like to avoid. But to truly make an impact or a mark in this world you must be willing to stand alone and confidently following the vision within your heart. Sometime the harshest of life’s experience mold and shape our character, therefore preparing us for what is up ahead.
You are on shaky ground if you are constantly seeking the approval and affirmation of others. People are fickle and their opinion changes like the wind, therefore you can not leave it up to the general public or even close friends or family to always agree with the plans and purposes for your life. Well meaning as they may be you as an individual must be confident in who you are and the decisions you are making for your life.
It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson; in some way I am still learning it. At times I feel I should have already passed this stage and then I remember there is no shame in desiring to improve yourself. No matter the age or stage self improvement never goes out of style. Confidently walk in who you are. Don’t allow things that are subject to change influence your perception or decision making.
Greetings Everyone!! I do apologize for the delay of this post. I did not post last week because I have been grappling with this particular idea and struggled to convey it in a way that would clearly express a clear of thought. However I am thankful for recent conversation I had with a dear friend. It has helped me to gain a broader perspective and much clarity enabling me to move ahead with this blog. So here it is!!
How we relate to one another is a telling sign of the unspoken things within our heart. Evidently people often forget over 80% of communication is body language. Much of what you say has nothing to do with actual “WORDS”. What you do and how you behave will always tell someone how you really feel. I have longed learned to see behind the plexiglass smile in search of the deeper things. Through years of observation, having relationships and just living life I have noticed a distinct pattern. At first I thought it was my own perspective for it can be a little jaded at times, but through various conversations with different women from all walks of life, age demographics and cultural lineages it is evident there is cause for concern.
Although women are very caring, nurturing, compassionate individuals there is another side to our gentle nature. This side usually is not the dominant one; the one influencing all our decisions, affecting our judgement or impacts our relationships. Nevertheless it is a side that lurk underneath the surface and comes to light whenever provoked. This side am I referring to is much more primal. The one that is cunning, calculating, decisive and at times even deceptive. The need for this nature does occasionally come in handy for genuine self defense purposes and when protecting someone else. Yet sadly I have found it being used more often for self-serving agendas.
The driving force for this primal nature is FEAR. It comes to light whenever a woman is feeling threatened, insecure. Also if there is a possibly of her loosing something or someone and if she is endangered of not getting what she wants. It will cause her to turn on family members, destroy a friendship, cross anyone and immediately change allegiances if it meets the sole purpose of protecting her personal interests. I have seen it happen far too many times to deny there is merit to this argument. For I too have experienced the wrath of the darker side.
A number of years ago I agreed to help my mother with something. She’d asked me for help before, so it didn’t seem like anything our of the ordinary; only to find out in the end she had been withholding information, lying to my face and using me for her own selfish agenda. Clearly she was building a house of cards and I was the last to know. When everything came crashing down I was astonished and mortified that she was capable of doing such a thing, and to her own daughter! She was blinded by her own need and fear drove her to across a line any loving mother would normally NEVER cross.
Now I know I am not a Psychologist, Psychiatrist or a Therapist, but I have noticed men seem to not have this particular hang-up (at least most of them). We as women are ALL susceptible to giving in to these tendencies specially during moments when we feel threatened, vulnerability, etc. How we relate to each other will forever shed light on our own issues as individuals. If we frequently feel the need to resort to such tactics it is a clear indication of a large issue.