In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest. However there has been a change of plans. I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting. While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video. After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the male friend who shared the video clip. Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.
The scenario is as follows. A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach. The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs. The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else. He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded. The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.
Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance. I have always had weight issues. At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition. Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind. I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail. I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself. Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already believe. This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count. What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others. If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship. Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.
First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!! If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in. Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else. Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable. Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look. The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see. Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship. I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..
Hello there Ladies!! I must say I am thoroughly enjoying writing this blog!! I have never really great thought to women and the issues that specifically affect us before. When I honestly began to think it over I realized there are many issues and circumstances that target us; in many ways men will probably never fully understand. I am honoured to take the time to write and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Anyway just wanted to say I appreciate you taking the time to this!!
When I was a young girl I thought love was like it was in the movies. Movies like “Sixteen Candles”, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Pretty Women” (minus the whole prostitution thing of course!). They painted love as being an utterly blissful experience with this fairytale happy ending. I soon realized little boys were only interest in getting their hand up your dress or down your top, and even bigger boys were focused on sticking their little “friend” into my “treasurebox.” Of course there are those of us who waited to experience this event with a guy who we thought “really” cared for us, however once the truth came to light, that he never cared, you had a choice. To either continue to seek an “intimate” connection in between bed sheets (or wherever the act would occurred) or take the higher, but much less travelled road instead. The higher road where you grow as a woman, discover who you really are and set standards for yourself allowing you to receive the treatment you rightfully deserve. Interestingly enough many women choose to stay on their current course knowing the heart ache and damage it causes. And although I was on that path for a while myself I decided to make a u-turn and change directions. I took the higher road which obviously is much more challenging and at times quite lonely. Nevertheless it was the route I chose and to this day I have NO regrets.
In the area of relationships women in general desire and crave intimacy. Honest, genuine, thoughtful communication which is based on something beyond their outward appearance. Unfortunately intimacy has been reduces to sexual intercourse, but the reality is to a woman it so much more than that. Knowing a woman, meeting her needs, understanding who she really is have very little to do with sex. Sadly there is a great deal of pressure for women to subject themselves to society’s and the overall male populations standard of intimacy. What’s wrose a lot of women don’t give themselves an opportunity to experience life and all it has to offer before seeking out a intimate connection with the opposite sex. This is a HUGE MISTAKE!!!
One of the things I regret most in my life is engaging in sexual relationships at a very young age. I hurt and working through many issues and was in no way prepared for that “kind” of connection. And the truth was I seeking for something sex in and of itself could never have given me. I wanted someone to get to know me and understand me; for them to see past the outward flaw and see me. Sex NEVER gave me that!!! And Also for the record how was someone else suppose to get to know me or understand me if I don’t even know who I am?! These are questions as women, young and old, we need to ask ourselves.
I am so grateful for making that u-turn and giving myself time to heal, grow, mature and most importantly discover who I REALLY am. It is one of the most priceless gift you can give yourself.
And trust me you are NOT going to find a gift like that between the sheets!!
So I feel it is quite apparent from my previous posts that I believe:
A woman’s size does not determine her beauty or her value.
That true beauty transcends beyond a person’s physique.
Whatever the size a woman should wear and have access to stylish, flattering, sexy clothing!
I do also fully support a healthy lifestyle; one which incorporates a healthy diet and regular exercise. However regardless of the stage a woman is at in her life she still needs to where clothes, right?! And I am always been intrigued at the fashion choices for the larger than average size woman. As I have mentioned before I have been plus size for the majority of my life, which includes middle childhood, adolescents and young adult/adulthood. Currently I am on the lower end of the plus size spectrum, but still am categorized as plus size nonetheless.
As a young girl I hated clothing clothing. I disliked shopping in general. Going from store to store, trying on item after item, searching through bins and racks, it was hardly my idea of a fun time. I always saw it as a task that had to be done rather than a experience to be enjoyed. You see when I was in elementary school and high school plus size clothing across the board was dreadful (at least on the Canadian side of the boarder). There were only a few places to shop and style seemed like a foreign concept. Anything that could possibly fit me seemed only appropriate for a senior adult or elderly person.
I soon then turned to shopping in the mens department; sad, but true. It was easier to find sizes to fit and I felt less awkward (go figure). As long I found clothing that fit I was happy and relieved. But a lot of time has passed since then and I haven’t fully let go of my “frump” girl complex. Even when I began to loose weight I was continuing to wear larger size clothing. Still working through the shame I felt towards my body I felt extremely uncomfortable to have it exposed in any way. So I remained in hiding. Even with my massive weight-loss in 2006/2007 I have had a hard time adjusting to wearing different clothing and seeing myself in a new light.
Since then I have yo-yoed up and down with my weight like I fluctuate regarding my clothing selection. Granted there are more options for women who are not a size 2 (namely me!), but I have yet to completely crossed over to the other side. I do the girly girl thing for a few weeks or so (if that) and then I’m back to my track pants, t-shirts, hats and head-ties (guy type stuff). If it wasn’t for going to church I don’t think I would ever dress up at all! So here I am. In the process of letting go of the old me while embracing the new me.
As I continue to walk out this journey I encourage you to take it one step at a time knowing that who you are or were does not determine who you will become. In the end you just might surprise yourself!!