In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest. However there has been a change of plans. I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting. While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video. After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the male friend who shared the video clip. Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.
The scenario is as follows. A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach. The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs. The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else. He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded. The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.
Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance. I have always had weight issues. At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition. Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind. I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail. I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself. Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already believe. This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count. What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others. If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship. Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.
First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!! If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in. Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else. Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable. Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look. The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see. Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship. I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..
It is amazing how time is just flying by!! The first month of 2015 is coming to an end and so much has already begun to take place. In my last post I spoke about a “Real Resolution”; the kind that would actually bring about a change in your life. However the kind of change I proposed is not for the weak or faint at heart. It requires a bold, stout hearted individual to stand against personal fears, face insecurities, and step out from the crowd and be different!! I have to admit it, even thinking about it I experience butterflies in my stomach. For although I write about these things and I am committed to walking these principles out in my own life I am not exempt from the process or from how it affects me as an individual.
To this day I still experience fear when having to face certain situations. I often am frustrated at my responses because it almost feels like a “Knee Jerk Reaction.” Many times when I recount the incident over in my mind my first question usually is “Why did I do that or respond in that way?” Over the course of picking the situation apart it all boiled down to one word. Fear! I have to say that in the moment it isn’t always clear that I am afraid. However what is extremely evident is how quick I unconsciously go into defense mode, hence the knee jerk reaction.
An area as personal and intrinsic as fear is something that should not be overlooked. Taking the time to ask yourself these questions is important if you desire to uncover what is causing your responses to certain situations. I am NOT talking about mediation or listening to your inner voice. I am saying look at the hard facts. Remove the rose coloured glasses and get to the root of action/reaction or pattern of behaviour that may in fact be hindering your life in some way.
We have a tendency to gloss over the little things that we say or do and categorize them an idiosyncrasies ie. “quirks” in our personality. Nevertheless something impulsive as a “knee jerk reaction” if not addressed can be potentially dangerous. It usually comes with no warning and is driven by very strong emotion. Often the target of this kind of response is unsuspecting. It catches them completely off guard. At one point we all have be on the receiving end of this and I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant. Thinking about the person on the receiving end of such an outburst can help with choosing how to respond.
I strongly suggest in those moments to not respond or at least say as little as possible. Take some time to reflect on the situation, consult with someone who you respect and has a track record of giving sound (wise) advice. I personally pray about these type of issues. I gain much clarity and am able to work through my emotions more effectively. All this is to say take time to think before responding. Some times when facing fear a bold and courageous response is in order. Thus breaking intimidation and feelings of inferiority. However a knee jerk response is birthed out of a perceived fear and is usually associated to a past experience or false perception.
Greetings Everyone!! I do apologize for the delay of this post. I did not post last week because I have been grappling with this particular idea and struggled to convey it in a way that would clearly express a clear of thought. However I am thankful for recent conversation I had with a dear friend. It has helped me to gain a broader perspective and much clarity enabling me to move ahead with this blog. So here it is!!
How we relate to one another is a telling sign of the unspoken things within our heart. Evidently people often forget over 80% of communication is body language. Much of what you say has nothing to do with actual “WORDS”. What you do and how you behave will always tell someone how you really feel. I have longed learned to see behind the plexiglass smile in search of the deeper things. Through years of observation, having relationships and just living life I have noticed a distinct pattern. At first I thought it was my own perspective for it can be a little jaded at times, but through various conversations with different women from all walks of life, age demographics and cultural lineages it is evident there is cause for concern.
Although women are very caring, nurturing, compassionate individuals there is another side to our gentle nature. This side usually is not the dominant one; the one influencing all our decisions, affecting our judgement or impacts our relationships. Nevertheless it is a side that lurk underneath the surface and comes to light whenever provoked. This side am I referring to is much more primal. The one that is cunning, calculating, decisive and at times even deceptive. The need for this nature does occasionally come in handy for genuine self defense purposes and when protecting someone else. Yet sadly I have found it being used more often for self-serving agendas.
The driving force for this primal nature is FEAR. It comes to light whenever a woman is feeling threatened, insecure. Also if there is a possibly of her loosing something or someone and if she is endangered of not getting what she wants. It will cause her to turn on family members, destroy a friendship, cross anyone and immediately change allegiances if it meets the sole purpose of protecting her personal interests. I have seen it happen far too many times to deny there is merit to this argument. For I too have experienced the wrath of the darker side.
A number of years ago I agreed to help my mother with something. She’d asked me for help before, so it didn’t seem like anything our of the ordinary; only to find out in the end she had been withholding information, lying to my face and using me for her own selfish agenda. Clearly she was building a house of cards and I was the last to know. When everything came crashing down I was astonished and mortified that she was capable of doing such a thing, and to her own daughter! She was blinded by her own need and fear drove her to across a line any loving mother would normally NEVER cross.
Now I know I am not a Psychologist, Psychiatrist or a Therapist, but I have noticed men seem to not have this particular hang-up (at least most of them). We as women are ALL susceptible to giving in to these tendencies specially during moments when we feel threatened, vulnerability, etc. How we relate to each other will forever shed light on our own issues as individuals. If we frequently feel the need to resort to such tactics it is a clear indication of a large issue.