Taking a closer look at the nature of dating and relationships has been quite enlightening so far. In my previous post I touched on the “Unspoken Fears” women deal with when in a committed relationship. It has caused me to do my own personal internal spring cleaning; to take a closer look at myself and any insecurities I may have. Many avoid doing it, but I have learned it is needed periodically throughout life. Working through such things affords you the opportunity to grow and mature. This will ensure you have a positive dating experience and help you choose a suitable and compatible life partner. The better you know yourself the more equipped you are to enter into and maintain a life long relationship.
I’ve often wondered why people hide aspects of who they are during the dating process. I’ve even heard stories of individuals who pretend to be someone else through the ENTIRE dating period right up until marriage. This is a frightening thought!! I would assume it is because there are parts of themselves that they are ashamed of or insecure about. For some there may be other reasons, but it has been my observation that this is the case. Yet if building a long, lasting relationship is your end goal, being yourself is the only way to ensure the relationship is successful.
In speaking with a close friend she shared her experiences from a past relationship. In her case she sacrificed much of who she was to make her mate happy. Surrendering her identity out of fear among other things. She subjected herself to a man who was controlling, inconsiderate and unwilling to work on himself or contribute equally to the relationship. Now looking back if she was given another chance to do things over she definitely would. And oddly enough I am at that the same place.
I no longer believe fairly tales, however I do believe in committed relationships based on honesty, respect, acceptance, communication, kindness and trust. I have also held myself back out of fear of rejection. Nevertheless I have come to realize any relationship where I have to change who I am in order for it to work and be accepted is a relationship I don’t want. Don’t forfeit your happiness out of a fear of ending up alone or whatever other thought crosses your mind. Settling for such a reason will only ensure your own unhappiness.
Being happy with yourself is more important than someone else being happy with you…..
In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest. However there has been a change of plans. I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting. While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video. After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the male friend who shared the video clip. Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.
The scenario is as follows. A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach. The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs. The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else. He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded. The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.
Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance. I have always had weight issues. At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition. Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind. I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail. I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself. Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already believe. This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count. What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others. If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship. Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.
First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!! If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in. Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else. Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable. Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look. The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see. Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship. I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..
We all know there are many differences between the sexes. Since the beginning of time it is very apparent men and women think, feel and perceive things in very different ways. This is especially true in the area of communication. Nevertheless no matter how each sex chooses to engage with each other one must choose to “Break The Silence.” Today’s topic is one that has caused many heated discussions and continues to be debated whenever it comes up in conversation. Just recently I was at a wedding and this particular topic came up during the course of the evening. Unfortunately it kind of put one poor soul on the hot seat, however it did further support my personal theory on the subject.
When first initiating any form of dialog with someone of the opposite sex each side tries to hold out and insists the other person should do it first. It often feels like a group of kindergarden age children refusing to play fairly in a game of tag ie. “You’re it!….No YOU’RE it.” As you can see the pattern and the potential it has to continue unnecessarily. The cycle usually continues because no one is willing to take the first step, be honest about their feelings and show some vulnerability.
I have often wondered WHY men take SO (so, so, so very) long to approach a woman that intrigues them and that they clearly find attractive. I am told it is because they want to be really sure, but come on!! Like how “sure” do you need to be in order to make a move…… Currently in our contemporary society with Feminism and female empowerment there is huge expectation for the woman to establish the lines of communication. I for one am not a fan of this because it give the excuse for the man to do absolutely NOTHING allowing the woman to do all the work. However I can see how this would help a more shy, self-conscious type of guy. At any rate I still feel that expecting the woman to break the silent is an excuse to find your true feelings and invest very little in a relationship you claim you want.
Although I personally am more traditional and want to be pursued if indeed a man has feelings for me I am not opposed to equal levels of disclosers from both sides of the fence. But at the end of the day someone has to take the first step, and I feel the man should do it!!!
Our next post I will have talked to a few different men and women to get their perspective. Like, comment or share!! I would love to her from you!!
The area of relationships is one that I could spend many hours of study. Human behavior is so fascinating; the how’s and why’s behind peoples thoughts and behaviours have alway peaked my interest. Needless to say in the area of dating or dare I say romance I have found it rather intriguing, but at the same time perplexing. Over the next couple of weeks (or maybe longer) I am going to be digging into the matter of relationship between men and women.
I will be sharing sharing some of my own personal experiences as well as some stories from a few of my close friends. We will be looking at why women act or respond in certain ways ie. what are our triggers and areas of sensitivity, and the same with regards to men. I will be relying on some of my male friends to to fill in the missing pieces when it comes to the male species.
I look forward to this series evolving and I hope you will join me as I delve deeper into this topic!!
2015 has officially begun!! I know many are used to hearing “New year, New Me” slogans or even participating in the timeless tradition of making New Years “resolutions.” Needless to say these things are popular at the start of a new year. It gives structure and motivation to some who are desiring to make significant changes in their lives and to help them achieve certain goals. All in all not a bad thing. Nevertheless for most it is just another “feel good” activity only to camouflage the fear of making any REAL change. It hides the lack of discipline to see a resolution through into an actual lifestyle change. That being said I personally have decided to shift my energy elsewhere.
In the year of 2015, if we are indeed going to break free from the past; its limitations, hinderances, personal insecurities and experience REAL change, approval from other people is something you are going to have to live without. There is a saying that “If you live for people’s approval you will die by their rejection.” And this is a harsh reality for many. Their identity is solely wrapped up in the acceptance and approval of others. It’s as if they are sentenced to live within the confines of someone else’s thoughts, opinions and/or personal like or dislike of who they are. Many surrender their desire for change in some area of their lives (or even worst their dream) because it may in fact directly conflict with someone else’s personal opinion.
It is a dangerous thing to have your self-worth relying so heavily on such individuals. You render the power to people who are often not: A. Walking in their purpose or pursing a dream of any kind, B. Setting goals where they are challenged or stretched in any way (ie. they continually choose what is comfortable and safe), and C. Wanting anything more out of life (ie. they have decided this is as far as they are going to go). They secretly have given up somewhere along the way and whether knowingly or not they want you to remain in the same boat with them. But this is where I draw the line……
In the year of 2015 I have NO desire (whatsoever) to follow people around in circles just because they have given up on their dream and/or purpose AND are afraid to take the necessary steps to move forward. I am not interested in making plans or “new years resolutions” of which I have no intension of following through with. And if this is your desire let me warm you some within your relationship circle may not like or approve of your proposed changes. In fact some relationships may suffer or dare I say end due to your choice! The key is to not let the short term pain impede your ability to make effective long term decision.
Now don’t get me wrong relationships are a wonderful thing; a great blessing. However it shouldn’t prevent you from pursuing whatever dream/goals that is within your heart. Within every relationship love and acceptance should be given freely; it should be a two way street. It should never be withheld at the cost of one’s dream or purpose. That is just too high of a price to pay……
In 2015 choose to breakout and break free from anything or anyone that will impede your progress!! I can honestly say one man’s opinion is not enough for me to forfeit my dream…..
This is the year to be more than ever before. Don’t let anything stop that from happening. A new years resolution is nothing without the boldness to walk it out…..
Hello there Ladies!! I must say I am thoroughly enjoying writing this blog!! I have never really great thought to women and the issues that specifically affect us before. When I honestly began to think it over I realized there are many issues and circumstances that target us; in many ways men will probably never fully understand. I am honoured to take the time to write and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Anyway just wanted to say I appreciate you taking the time to this!!
When I was a young girl I thought love was like it was in the movies. Movies like “Sixteen Candles”, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Pretty Women” (minus the whole prostitution thing of course!). They painted love as being an utterly blissful experience with this fairytale happy ending. I soon realized little boys were only interest in getting their hand up your dress or down your top, and even bigger boys were focused on sticking their little “friend” into my “treasurebox.” Of course there are those of us who waited to experience this event with a guy who we thought “really” cared for us, however once the truth came to light, that he never cared, you had a choice. To either continue to seek an “intimate” connection in between bed sheets (or wherever the act would occurred) or take the higher, but much less travelled road instead. The higher road where you grow as a woman, discover who you really are and set standards for yourself allowing you to receive the treatment you rightfully deserve. Interestingly enough many women choose to stay on their current course knowing the heart ache and damage it causes. And although I was on that path for a while myself I decided to make a u-turn and change directions. I took the higher road which obviously is much more challenging and at times quite lonely. Nevertheless it was the route I chose and to this day I have NO regrets.
In the area of relationships women in general desire and crave intimacy. Honest, genuine, thoughtful communication which is based on something beyond their outward appearance. Unfortunately intimacy has been reduces to sexual intercourse, but the reality is to a woman it so much more than that. Knowing a woman, meeting her needs, understanding who she really is have very little to do with sex. Sadly there is a great deal of pressure for women to subject themselves to society’s and the overall male populations standard of intimacy. What’s wrose a lot of women don’t give themselves an opportunity to experience life and all it has to offer before seeking out a intimate connection with the opposite sex. This is a HUGE MISTAKE!!!
One of the things I regret most in my life is engaging in sexual relationships at a very young age. I hurt and working through many issues and was in no way prepared for that “kind” of connection. And the truth was I seeking for something sex in and of itself could never have given me. I wanted someone to get to know me and understand me; for them to see past the outward flaw and see me. Sex NEVER gave me that!!! And Also for the record how was someone else suppose to get to know me or understand me if I don’t even know who I am?! These are questions as women, young and old, we need to ask ourselves.
I am so grateful for making that u-turn and giving myself time to heal, grow, mature and most importantly discover who I REALLY am. It is one of the most priceless gift you can give yourself.
And trust me you are NOT going to find a gift like that between the sheets!!
Thank YOU to all who are taking time to read this blog!! It really means a lot!! It is my desire that this blog will not only discuss the idea of “REAL” beauty and challenge the current stereotypes and social norms surrounding a woman’s appearance, but also take a hard look at the many issues which impact women specially in the area of self-esteem, relationships and world views. As mentioned before women are complex. There are many sides which make up a woman and none should ever be overlooked or taken lightly! Yet time and time again women some how get reduced to being a sexual object with the sole purpose of satisfying ones sexual pleasure. This sadly is not a new issue, but one that has plagued women centuries.
Now I’m not a feminist by any means, but I have often wondered what it was like for women in the year days who fought for women’s rights. The right to an education, to work and earn money, to own property or even run for political office. The rights I freely exercise today! It is amazing to think it wasn’t that long ago women were given the right to vote or permitted to hold positions that were solely designated to men. Nevertheless even in the mist of progress to this day women are fragrantly portrayed and often treated as women sexual objects. With the media, the entertainment industry both film and music [mainly pornography and rap music] along with human trafficking playing a huge role in perpetuating these archaic ideals the real problems lies when women themselves adopt these notions into their own core values.
Over the course of my career in Social Services I have had the opportunity to speak with numerous young girls and women and I am always astounded by what they believe about themselves. An array of experiences have brought them to that place, but the root of it all the same. A lie. At some point a lie was presented masquerading as the truth. Deception set in and the lie was embraced truth. Strangely enough many have shared they all felt something was wrong with what was said or done and yet never challenged it. Giving life to the lie that they are an object ie. “if it happened or if it was said it must be true.”
Being objectified is a degrading and deeply wounding experience. It rips at the fabric of a woman’s soul. If not addressed it can become a wall barricading one from ever having a full life; like a self inflicted prison. Because the truth is you can never out run what you believe about yourself. It is virtually impossible! In some form or another whether big or some every woman has experienced this, myself included. I too have had to fight to not believe the lies that were once presented to me as truth. It is a battle I still fight today in some ways. I am fortunate to have a great support network including friends and family, my faith and a strong church who constantly speak words of life and positivity into my life. Always reminding me that the past and what said or done does not dictate nor determined who I am or what I will become.
Never let the actions or the words of one person over shadow the beauty of who you are. You are NOT an object nor is your sole purpose for someone else’s personal gratification.
You are so much more than that!! Never forget it!!