Taking a closer look at the nature of dating and relationships has been quite enlightening so far. In my previous post I touched on the “Unspoken Fears” women deal with when in a committed relationship. It has caused me to do my own personal internal spring cleaning; to take a closer look at myself and any insecurities I may have. Many avoid doing it, but I have learned it is needed periodically throughout life. Working through such things affords you the opportunity to grow and mature. This will ensure you have a positive dating experience and help you choose a suitable and compatible life partner. The better you know yourself the more equipped you are to enter into and maintain a life long relationship.
I’ve often wondered why people hide aspects of who they are during the dating process. I’ve even heard stories of individuals who pretend to be someone else through the ENTIRE dating period right up until marriage. This is a frightening thought!! I would assume it is because there are parts of themselves that they are ashamed of or insecure about. For some there may be other reasons, but it has been my observation that this is the case. Yet if building a long, lasting relationship is your end goal, being yourself is the only way to ensure the relationship is successful.
In speaking with a close friend she shared her experiences from a past relationship. In her case she sacrificed much of who she was to make her mate happy. Surrendering her identity out of fear among other things. She subjected herself to a man who was controlling, inconsiderate and unwilling to work on himself or contribute equally to the relationship. Now looking back if she was given another chance to do things over she definitely would. And oddly enough I am at that the same place.
I no longer believe fairly tales, however I do believe in committed relationships based on honesty, respect, acceptance, communication, kindness and trust. I have also held myself back out of fear of rejection. Nevertheless I have come to realize any relationship where I have to change who I am in order for it to work and be accepted is a relationship I don’t want. Don’t forfeit your happiness out of a fear of ending up alone or whatever other thought crosses your mind. Settling for such a reason will only ensure your own unhappiness.
Being happy with yourself is more important than someone else being happy with you…..
We all know there are many differences between the sexes. Since the beginning of time it is very apparent men and women think, feel and perceive things in very different ways. This is especially true in the area of communication. Nevertheless no matter how each sex chooses to engage with each other one must choose to “Break The Silence.” Today’s topic is one that has caused many heated discussions and continues to be debated whenever it comes up in conversation. Just recently I was at a wedding and this particular topic came up during the course of the evening. Unfortunately it kind of put one poor soul on the hot seat, however it did further support my personal theory on the subject.
When first initiating any form of dialog with someone of the opposite sex each side tries to hold out and insists the other person should do it first. It often feels like a group of kindergarden age children refusing to play fairly in a game of tag ie. “You’re it!….No YOU’RE it.” As you can see the pattern and the potential it has to continue unnecessarily. The cycle usually continues because no one is willing to take the first step, be honest about their feelings and show some vulnerability.
I have often wondered WHY men take SO (so, so, so very) long to approach a woman that intrigues them and that they clearly find attractive. I am told it is because they want to be really sure, but come on!! Like how “sure” do you need to be in order to make a move…… Currently in our contemporary society with Feminism and female empowerment there is huge expectation for the woman to establish the lines of communication. I for one am not a fan of this because it give the excuse for the man to do absolutely NOTHING allowing the woman to do all the work. However I can see how this would help a more shy, self-conscious type of guy. At any rate I still feel that expecting the woman to break the silent is an excuse to find your true feelings and invest very little in a relationship you claim you want.
Although I personally am more traditional and want to be pursued if indeed a man has feelings for me I am not opposed to equal levels of disclosers from both sides of the fence. But at the end of the day someone has to take the first step, and I feel the man should do it!!!
Our next post I will have talked to a few different men and women to get their perspective. Like, comment or share!! I would love to her from you!!
The area of relationships is one that I could spend many hours of study. Human behavior is so fascinating; the how’s and why’s behind peoples thoughts and behaviours have alway peaked my interest. Needless to say in the area of dating or dare I say romance I have found it rather intriguing, but at the same time perplexing. Over the next couple of weeks (or maybe longer) I am going to be digging into the matter of relationship between men and women.
I will be sharing sharing some of my own personal experiences as well as some stories from a few of my close friends. We will be looking at why women act or respond in certain ways ie. what are our triggers and areas of sensitivity, and the same with regards to men. I will be relying on some of my male friends to to fill in the missing pieces when it comes to the male species.
I look forward to this series evolving and I hope you will join me as I delve deeper into this topic!!
Hello there Ladies!! I must say I am thoroughly enjoying writing this blog!! I have never really great thought to women and the issues that specifically affect us before. When I honestly began to think it over I realized there are many issues and circumstances that target us; in many ways men will probably never fully understand. I am honoured to take the time to write and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Anyway just wanted to say I appreciate you taking the time to this!!
When I was a young girl I thought love was like it was in the movies. Movies like “Sixteen Candles”, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Pretty Women” (minus the whole prostitution thing of course!). They painted love as being an utterly blissful experience with this fairytale happy ending. I soon realized little boys were only interest in getting their hand up your dress or down your top, and even bigger boys were focused on sticking their little “friend” into my “treasurebox.” Of course there are those of us who waited to experience this event with a guy who we thought “really” cared for us, however once the truth came to light, that he never cared, you had a choice. To either continue to seek an “intimate” connection in between bed sheets (or wherever the act would occurred) or take the higher, but much less travelled road instead. The higher road where you grow as a woman, discover who you really are and set standards for yourself allowing you to receive the treatment you rightfully deserve. Interestingly enough many women choose to stay on their current course knowing the heart ache and damage it causes. And although I was on that path for a while myself I decided to make a u-turn and change directions. I took the higher road which obviously is much more challenging and at times quite lonely. Nevertheless it was the route I chose and to this day I have NO regrets.
In the area of relationships women in general desire and crave intimacy. Honest, genuine, thoughtful communication which is based on something beyond their outward appearance. Unfortunately intimacy has been reduces to sexual intercourse, but the reality is to a woman it so much more than that. Knowing a woman, meeting her needs, understanding who she really is have very little to do with sex. Sadly there is a great deal of pressure for women to subject themselves to society’s and the overall male populations standard of intimacy. What’s wrose a lot of women don’t give themselves an opportunity to experience life and all it has to offer before seeking out a intimate connection with the opposite sex. This is a HUGE MISTAKE!!!
One of the things I regret most in my life is engaging in sexual relationships at a very young age. I hurt and working through many issues and was in no way prepared for that “kind” of connection. And the truth was I seeking for something sex in and of itself could never have given me. I wanted someone to get to know me and understand me; for them to see past the outward flaw and see me. Sex NEVER gave me that!!! And Also for the record how was someone else suppose to get to know me or understand me if I don’t even know who I am?! These are questions as women, young and old, we need to ask ourselves.
I am so grateful for making that u-turn and giving myself time to heal, grow, mature and most importantly discover who I REALLY am. It is one of the most priceless gift you can give yourself.
And trust me you are NOT going to find a gift like that between the sheets!!
Thank YOU to all who are taking time to read this blog!! It really means a lot!! It is my desire that this blog will not only discuss the idea of “REAL” beauty and challenge the current stereotypes and social norms surrounding a woman’s appearance, but also take a hard look at the many issues which impact women specially in the area of self-esteem, relationships and world views. As mentioned before women are complex. There are many sides which make up a woman and none should ever be overlooked or taken lightly! Yet time and time again women some how get reduced to being a sexual object with the sole purpose of satisfying ones sexual pleasure. This sadly is not a new issue, but one that has plagued women centuries.
Now I’m not a feminist by any means, but I have often wondered what it was like for women in the year days who fought for women’s rights. The right to an education, to work and earn money, to own property or even run for political office. The rights I freely exercise today! It is amazing to think it wasn’t that long ago women were given the right to vote or permitted to hold positions that were solely designated to men. Nevertheless even in the mist of progress to this day women are fragrantly portrayed and often treated as women sexual objects. With the media, the entertainment industry both film and music [mainly pornography and rap music] along with human trafficking playing a huge role in perpetuating these archaic ideals the real problems lies when women themselves adopt these notions into their own core values.
Over the course of my career in Social Services I have had the opportunity to speak with numerous young girls and women and I am always astounded by what they believe about themselves. An array of experiences have brought them to that place, but the root of it all the same. A lie. At some point a lie was presented masquerading as the truth. Deception set in and the lie was embraced truth. Strangely enough many have shared they all felt something was wrong with what was said or done and yet never challenged it. Giving life to the lie that they are an object ie. “if it happened or if it was said it must be true.”
Being objectified is a degrading and deeply wounding experience. It rips at the fabric of a woman’s soul. If not addressed it can become a wall barricading one from ever having a full life; like a self inflicted prison. Because the truth is you can never out run what you believe about yourself. It is virtually impossible! In some form or another whether big or some every woman has experienced this, myself included. I too have had to fight to not believe the lies that were once presented to me as truth. It is a battle I still fight today in some ways. I am fortunate to have a great support network including friends and family, my faith and a strong church who constantly speak words of life and positivity into my life. Always reminding me that the past and what said or done does not dictate nor determined who I am or what I will become.
Never let the actions or the words of one person over shadow the beauty of who you are. You are NOT an object nor is your sole purpose for someone else’s personal gratification.
You are so much more than that!! Never forget it!!
Women are such complex creatures. Over the course of my life I seen women go through so many changes. We have babies, run a household and yet still manage to find time to achieve educational goals and hold down a career. Not only that we are also involved in your local communities in various capacities, trained in the arts and so on and so on. The 21st century woman is much more than just a house wife, but she is a force to be reckoned with. She is not only beautiful, but strong, capable, intelligent, bold, tenacious, outspoken, wise and fearless.
When I was young I was taught a woman or more importantly a “lady” was suppose to be quiet, dainty, sweet, reserved and above all else she was not suppose to have an opinion and if she did it was be to kept to herself. As I’m sure you can tell by now I NEVER fit into that mold. Although I am sweet and at times am quiet and dainty (well maybe) the reserved part didn’t seem to workout very well. With women being in every type of occupation out there, completing the highest levels of education and breaking the many stereotypes associated with being a woman I wonder if things have really changed. Do people, men in particular, take the time to see what lies beyond the position, degrees and success, past the soulful eyes and pretty smile?
As a woman I’ve always felt my strength and level of capability has been a hinderance when it comes to relationships and navigating my way through life. Sure I can probably manage almost any situation that comes my way and still keep a smile on my face, but does it mean I am not affected by it?! As if all I am and can do somehow eliminates the fact I have feelings or a sensitive and compassionate heart. Some have even told I am TOO strong. As if they knew or had full understanding of what I have endured prior to them meeting me. I have often felt force to hide or hold back who I really am for the sake of being accepted or well received. Sad I know; somehow the whole idea seems backwards to me.
In addition to being too strong I have also been told I am intimidating in which therefore will have a difficult time finding a man willing to be in a relationship with me. It is amazes me the things people have the freedom to say, especially to a person they really do not know very well. Anyway as I write this a film I once saw comes to mind. Now I know life is not like a movie, however this one in particular struck a cord with me. The movie Avatar is set in an alter human reality, however it does have a few scenes I feel can be applied to our everyday lives. There is a line “I see you.” It is used numerous times throughout the film as a greeting. Like how you would say “hello”, “hi’’ or “what’s up”, but it holds so much more meaning. The greeting “I see you” means “I see into, I understand you.” It would unrealistic to expect this from every person you encounter, nevertheless it would be nice and rather refreshing if it did happen a small fraction time. But although it doesn’t happen that often it will not deter me from being who I am, flaws and all!!
Those moments will come where they will “see you”, REALLY see you. Cherish those moment because it has been my experience they do not happen very often, but when they do they are truly special.