Being Yourself

Taking a closer look at the nature of dating and relationships has been quite enlightening so far.  In my previous post I touched on the “Unspoken Fears” women deal with when in a committed relationship.  It has caused me to do my own personal internal spring cleaning; to take a closer look at myself and any insecurities I may have.  Many avoid doing it, but I have learned it is needed periodically throughout life.  Working through such things affords you the opportunity to grow and mature.  This will ensure you have a positive dating experience and help you choose a suitable and compatible life partner.  The better you know yourself the more equipped you are to enter into and maintain a life long relationship.

I’ve often wondered why people hide aspects of who they are during the dating process.  I’ve even heard stories of individuals who pretend to be someone else through the ENTIRE dating period right up until marriage.  This is a frightening thought!!  I would assume it is because there are parts of themselves that they are ashamed of or insecure about.  For some there may be other reasons, but it has been my observation that this is the case.  Yet if building a long, lasting relationship is your end goal, being yourself is the only way to ensure the relationship is successful.

In speaking with a close friend she shared her experiences from a past relationship.  In her case she sacrificed much of who she was to make her mate happy.  Surrendering her identity out of fear among other things.  She subjected herself to a man who was controlling, inconsiderate and unwilling to work on himself or contribute equally to the relationship.  Now looking back if she was given another chance to do things over she definitely would.  And oddly enough I am at that the same place.

I no longer believe fairly tales, however I do believe in committed relationships based on honesty, respect, acceptance, communication, kindness and trust.  I have also held myself back out of fear of rejection.  Nevertheless I have come to realize any relationship where I have to change who I am in order for it to work and be accepted is a relationship I don’t want.  Don’t forfeit your happiness out of a fear of ending up alone or whatever other thought crosses your mind.  Settling for such a reason will only ensure your own unhappiness.

Being happy with yourself is more important than someone else being happy with you…..

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Unspoken Fear

In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest.  However there has been a change of plans.  I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting.  While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video.  After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the  male friend who shared the video clip.  Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.

The scenario is as follows.  A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach.  The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs.  The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else.  He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded.  The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.

Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance.  I have always had weight issues.  At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition.  Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind.  I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail.  I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself.  Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already  believe.  This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count.  What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others.  If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship.  Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.

First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!!  If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in.  Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else.  Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable.  Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look.  The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see.  Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship.  I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Video Clip:

Breaking The Silence

We all know there are many differences between the sexes.  Since the beginning of time it is very apparent men and women think, feel and perceive things in very different ways.  This is especially true in the area of communication.  Nevertheless no matter how each sex chooses to engage with each other one must choose to “Break The Silence.”  Today’s topic is one that has caused many heated discussions and continues to be debated whenever it comes up in conversation.  Just recently I was at a wedding and this particular topic came up during the course of the evening.  Unfortunately it kind of put one poor soul on the hot seat, however it did further support my personal theory on the subject.

When first initiating any form of dialog with someone of the opposite sex each side tries to hold out and insists the other person should do it first.  It often feels like a group of kindergarden age children refusing to play fairly in a game of tag ie. “You’re it!….No YOU’RE it.”  As you can see the pattern and the potential it has to continue unnecessarily.  The cycle usually continues because no one is willing to take the first step, be honest about their feelings and show some vulnerability.

I have often wondered WHY men take SO (so, so, so very) long to approach a woman that intrigues them and that they clearly find attractive.  I am told it is because they want to be really sure, but come on!!  Like how “sure” do you need to be in order to make a move…… Currently in our contemporary society with Feminism and female empowerment there is huge expectation for the woman to establish the lines of communication.  I for one am not a fan of this because it give the excuse for the man to do absolutely NOTHING allowing the woman to do all the work.  However I can see how this would help a more shy, self-conscious type of guy.  At any rate I still feel that expecting the woman to break the silent is an excuse to find your true feelings and invest very little in a relationship you claim you want.

Although I personally am more traditional and want to be pursued if indeed a man has feelings for me I am not opposed to equal levels of disclosers from both sides of the fence.  But at the end of the day someone has to take the first step, and I feel the man should do it!!!

Our next post I will have talked to a few different men and women to get their perspective.  Like, comment or share!! I would love to her from you!!

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Relationships: The Introduction

The area of relationships is one that I could spend many hours of study.  Human behavior is so fascinating; the how’s and why’s behind peoples thoughts and behaviours have alway peaked my interest.  Needless to say in the area of dating or dare I say romance I have found it rather intriguing, but at the same time perplexing.  Over the next couple of weeks (or maybe longer) I am going to be digging into the matter of relationship between men and women.

I will be sharing sharing some of my own personal experiences as well as some stories from a few of my close friends.  We will be looking at why women act or respond in certain ways ie. what are our triggers and areas of sensitivity, and the same with regards to men.  I will be relying on some of my male friends to to fill in the missing pieces when it comes to the male species.

I look forward to this series evolving and I hope you will join me as I delve deeper into this topic!!

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Knee Jerk Reaction

It is amazing how time is just flying by!! The first month of 2015 is coming to an end and so much has already begun to take place. In my last post I spoke about a “Real Resolution”; the kind that would actually bring about a change in your life. However the kind of change I proposed is not for the weak or faint at heart. It requires a bold, stout hearted individual to stand against personal fears, face insecurities, and step out from the crowd and be different!! I have to admit it, even thinking about it I experience butterflies in my stomach. For although I write about these things and I am committed to walking these principles out in my own life I am not exempt from the process or from how it affects me as an individual.

To this day I still experience fear when having to face certain situations. I often am frustrated at my responses because it almost feels like a “Knee Jerk Reaction.” Many times when I recount the incident over in my mind my first question usually is “Why did I do that or respond in that way?” Over the course of picking the situation apart it all boiled down to one word. Fear! I have to say that in the moment it isn’t always clear that I am afraid. However what is extremely evident is how quick I unconsciously go into defense mode, hence the knee jerk reaction.

An area as personal and intrinsic as fear is something that should not be overlooked. Taking the time to ask yourself these questions is important if you desire to uncover what is causing your responses to certain situations. I am NOT talking about mediation or listening to your inner voice. I am saying look at the hard facts. Remove the rose coloured glasses and get to the root of action/reaction or pattern of behaviour that may in fact be hindering your life in some way.

We have a tendency to gloss over the little things that we say or do and categorize them an idiosyncrasies ie. “quirks” in our personality. Nevertheless something impulsive as a “knee jerk reaction” if not addressed can be potentially dangerous. It usually comes with no warning and is driven by very strong emotion. Often the target of this kind of response is unsuspecting. It catches them completely off guard. At one point we all have be on the receiving end of this and I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant. Thinking about the person on the receiving end of such an outburst can help with choosing how to respond.

I strongly suggest in those moments to not respond or at least say as little as possible. Take some time to reflect on the situation, consult with someone who you respect and has a track record of giving sound (wise) advice. I personally pray about these type of issues. I gain much clarity and am able to work through my emotions more effectively. All this is to say take time to think before responding. Some times when facing fear a bold and courageous response is in order. Thus breaking intimidation and feelings of inferiority. However a knee jerk response is birthed out of a perceived fear and is usually associated to a past experience or false perception.

Something to think about……

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Fitting The Mold

Along the road of self discovery I have had to lay aside many things unnecessary for the journey. I am amazed at what junk I have been carrying around with me. But the more I purge myself of things like bitterness, unforgiveness, hurts from the past, distorted perceptions and world views I feel more content with who I am and where my life is going. How I see life, things, people has drastically changed. I have shifted and am continuing to shift in my way of thinking. The one thing that has altered most is my desire to fit in. I have accepted or rather embraced the fact that I will never fit the mold.

In this day and age it means much to be confident; content with who you are, where you’re at and what you feel you are called to do. Nevertheless we live in a society where they are quick to judge and compare, essentially undermine your unique design/make-up as an individual. Needless to say every institution you go through in life manages to reduce you to a number or category leaving no room for originality or distinction. This is where I have always had a problem.

I can name many well know individuals who are original, unique, authentic, exceptional and rather outstanding. When I looked into their stories the majority of them had trouble in school, family issues, poor peer relationships, criminal involvement, etc. Strangely enough the most common theme among them is a “non-conformist” type of attitude. And this is where I actually fit in! My entire life I have been forced to act and behave in a way that suited others. Always pressured to fit the mold of whatever expectation laid out by whoever was in authority over me. Hence I had an issue with rebellion, authority and was at one point every very abstinent. Sadly almost everyone I came across in a position of authority abused it and for some reason hated my strength, boldness and tenacity.

There were many attempts to undermine my integrity, make me feel inferior and cause me to question my gifts and abilities. And it actually worked. However once I realized that I was the one allowing it to happen I began to see things through a different light. My strength, boldness, tenacity is a gift. Being original, authentic and having this kind of distinction is a blessing. I should embrace not fight it!!

I thankful to be at a place in my life where I am comfortable with who I am. Now unfortunately this may rub some people the wrong way. Nevertheless this is something I am willing to live with. It has been my experience that the ones who oppose your originality or distinction are usually the one who wish they had the courage to stand out and be different.

I am thanking God He has truly made me this way. I no longer have the desire to fit in or be accepted my the masses. To be a real person of change you must be willing to break the mold, stand apart and take the road less travelled.

Refining Beauty
~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Twitter: @littleroseca

I See You

Women are such complex creatures.  Over the course of my life I seen women go through so many changes.  We have babies, run a household and yet still manage to find time to achieve educational goals and hold down a career.  Not only that we are also involved in your local communities in various capacities, trained in the arts and so on and so on.  The 21st century woman is much more than just a house wife, but she is a force to be reckoned with.  She is not only beautiful, but strong, capable, intelligent, bold, tenacious, outspoken, wise and fearless.

When I was young I was taught a woman or more importantly  a “lady” was suppose to be quiet, dainty, sweet, reserved and above all else she was not suppose to have an opinion and if she did it was be to kept to herself.  As I’m sure you can tell by now I NEVER fit into that mold.  Although I am sweet and at times am quiet and dainty (well maybe) the reserved part didn’t seem to workout very well.  With women being in every type of occupation out there, completing the highest levels of education and breaking the many stereotypes associated with being a woman I wonder if things have really changed.  Do people, men in particular, take the time to see what lies beyond the position, degrees and success, past the soulful eyes and pretty smile?

As a woman I’ve always felt my strength and level of capability has been a hinderance when it comes to relationships and navigating my way through life.  Sure I can probably manage almost any situation that comes my way and still keep a smile on my face, but does it mean I am not affected by it?!  As if  all I am and can do somehow eliminates the fact I have feelings or a sensitive and compassionate heart.  Some have even told I am TOO strong.  As if they knew or had full understanding of what I have endured prior to them meeting me.  I have often felt force to hide or hold back who I really am for the sake of being accepted or well received.  Sad I know; somehow the whole idea seems backwards to me.

In addition to being too strong I have also been told I am intimidating in which therefore will have a difficult time finding a man willing to be in a relationship with me.  It is amazes me the things people have the freedom to say, especially to a person they really do not know very well.  Anyway as I write this a film I once saw comes to mind.  Now I know life is not like a movie, however this one in particular struck a cord with me.  The movie Avatar is set in an alter human reality, however it does have a few scenes I feel can be applied to our everyday lives.  There is a line “I see you.”  It is used numerous times throughout the film as a greeting.  Like how you would say “hello”, “hi’’ or “what’s up”, but it holds so much more meaning.  The greeting “I see you” means “I see into, I understand you.”  It would unrealistic to expect this from every person you encounter, nevertheless it would be nice and rather refreshing if it did happen a small fraction time.  But although it doesn’t happen that often it will not deter me from being who I am, flaws and all!!

Those moments will come where they will “see you”, REALLY see you.  Cherish those moment because it has been my experience they do not happen very often, but when they do they are truly special.

Refining Beauty

~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~

Checkout my other blog: http://littleroseca.wordpress.com/