In my previous blog I spoke about connecting with other men and women in order for them to weigh in on who should “Break The Silence” first when there is a mutual attraction ie. dating/romantic interest. However there has been a change of plans. I did begin speaking to a few individuals and have already gathered some interesting information, but I came across something I found rather interesting. While scrolling on Facebook a friend shared a video. After watching the video I had a very in depth conversation with the male friend who shared the video clip. Through the course of the conversation many thoughts and feeling came to the surface in which I felt compelled to share.
The scenario is as follows. A couple is on vacation and making a stop at the beach. The narrator begins the breakdown the fear women have about their husband or boyfriend looking at other women and what is actually going through mind of a man when the incident actually occurs. The Unspoken Fear women have is if her mate is looking at another woman, he finds her more attractive, is secretly dissatisfied in the relationship and therefore will end relationship to seek a more fulfilling one with someone else. He then explains the thought process of men and how the fear women have in this area is unfounded. The clip made a very strong argument and got me thinking.
Currently I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for quite some time, however I too have some fears surrounding a man being happy with my physical appearance. I have always had weight issues. At one point I was almost 400lbs and although I am no longer at that weight I wonder if someone would be satisfied with me ie. my weight and composition. Currently I am working towards getting to a weight I am more comfortable with, but these thoughts do still cross my mind. I’ve never really felt desirable or thought that any man would be satisfied with me (at any weight), and yet the basis of this mindset will set up any relationship I have to fail. I will always be looking for something to “nick pick” at and doubt their heart and affection for me because deep down I struggle with accepting myself. Entering a relationship like this will destroy it before it starts, intern reinforcing how I already believe. This what you would call a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Working in the area of Social Services I have seen this pattern far too many times to count. What you secretly fear ends up happening because you make it happen. What you believe impacts your decisions, perceptions and how you interact with others. If you are constantly living in a cloud of insecurity, attached to shame about your body, while hurling accusations at your significant other you will hinder the strength of your relationship. Therefore your behaviour pushes the individual, thus creating the reality you don’t want.
First off….ENOUGH WITH THE BODY SHAMING!!! If you don’t like how you look take the necessary steps to change it, however in the mean time LOVE yourself in whatever state you’re in. Secondly do NOT project your own distorted views of yourself onto somebody else. Embrace the idea that someone may actually find you attractive and, dare I say, desirable. Don’t push someone away simply because of a few outlandish thoughts; thoughts that are based out of fear. From a woman’s perspective I am not fond of the whole idea of “I can look, I just can’t touch”, nevertheless we live in a world that even as a woman it is hard not to look. The reality is men are made to be stimulated with what they see. Needless to say a glance is not really enough to reduce your self-worth and question his satisfaction within the relationship. I know this is easier said than done, but I feel it is worth effort especially if the relationship means something to you…..
Recently I took a break from writing my blogs. During which time I still continued song writing, however I must say the break was absolutely necessary. It was partly due to transitioning from a part-time evening job to a day time job, nonetheless I’m glad I did it. For one it gave me an opportunity to just reflect without feeling the need to write down every thought, idea, concept came across my mind. It also afforded me the opportunity to live life away from deadlines; pressure I pit on myself to regulate productivity as a writer. Thus freeing me to go through the stages of everyday life, and the processes and experiences along the way. This creates room for introspection, which is desperately needed as a writer.
All of which produces great writing. There is a saying that says “When you understand who you are and where you are you can therefore move forward more effectively in goals and in life” (Quote by Yours Truly ~Me~). Yet we live in an age where people cram their calendar and timetable with endless activities and appointments that there never seems be time spend alone. Away from task lists, events, work, recreational activities, social media, the internet and the almighty cell phone!! As if always being busy and involved in a wide variety of things is a sign of knowing your identity and walking in your purpose. But sadly this is not the case.
I’ve heard the greek saying “know thyself” and have thought that statement is easier said than done. The sad reality is it takes a brave soul, one desiring to grow and move beyond their current stage, to pull away and allow time for reflection, introspection, and personal development. Unfortunately many don’t always get the privilege to do so, and even when the opportunity is presented it is seldom taken. Often status, position, social connection and the flow of public accolades chain people to somethings that deep down is unfulfilling and breeds discontentment . Nevertheless the thought of walking away from it all scares them. So they stay accepting the level of disconnect they have with themselves and what they are accomplishing with their lives.
You would be surprised to know that this is a rather pressing issue. I come across it quite regularly. No one knows who they are or where they are going in life. In my last post I shared that I started song writing again. When embarking on any new endeavor one must realize other areas of your life can and will be effected. I have had to pull away to get a greater handle who I am and where I’m going. The time away was absolutely critical; hence the break in my writing. Picking up the pieces of once a shattered dream is a very emotional process. It was a hurtle I had to overcome. This type of issue should not be worked out when surrounded by public spectators.
Taking a break from whatever it is that you do is a gift you give yourself. Don’t withhold from yourself the one thing that is within your power to give…….
Hello Everyone!! I trust you all are enjoying your summer!! I can honestly say that I am!! The weather has finally warmed up and I am venturing outside to enjoy it. I have been doing a lot of walking. It is a great way to get some exercise, but it also gives me time to reflect on where I am and where I’m going. Most importantly it has given me time to think through what my next steps will be. As I said before embarking on this journey of transformation has been a major endeavor, however I have gladly taken on the challenge. Of course it is has not been without it’s challenges, nevertheless it has also come with many successes.
Now I know my last post “The Blame Game” was a number of weeks ago, yet much of what I am experiencing now is the ripple effects of walking through the last stage of this current process. By taking an honest look at myself ie. weaknesses and shortcomings I am better able to improve those areas, therefore enabling me to move forward into the things I know I am destined to do with my life. That being said even with all the assessing and critiquing I have begun to walk in a new level of confidence. Confidence in who I can, my area of gifting and abilities, but most importantly a greater acceptance in the uniqueness of my journey, and where this path is leading me.
Only recently I realized how much the approval or disapproval of others still influenced me (the way I think and feel about myself) and impacted the decisions I made. In many of my previous blogs I spoke about being unique, original, different and truly embracing that, however the truth is these routes often comes with periods of loneliness, being misunderstood and feelings of isolation. Things I frequently like to avoid. But to truly make an impact or a mark in this world you must be willing to stand alone and confidently following the vision within your heart. Sometime the harshest of life’s experience mold and shape our character, therefore preparing us for what is up ahead.
You are on shaky ground if you are constantly seeking the approval and affirmation of others. People are fickle and their opinion changes like the wind, therefore you can not leave it up to the general public or even close friends or family to always agree with the plans and purposes for your life. Well meaning as they may be you as an individual must be confident in who you are and the decisions you are making for your life.
It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson; in some way I am still learning it. At times I feel I should have already passed this stage and then I remember there is no shame in desiring to improve yourself. No matter the age or stage self improvement never goes out of style. Confidently walk in who you are. Don’t allow things that are subject to change influence your perception or decision making.
I believe everyone is born with a purpose. Gifted with talents and abilities which uniquely fit that purpose. With your life being a gift each moment should be spent taking the necessary steps towards achieving your purpose. To reach your highest potential. Now life has a way of taking you down rabbit trails and throwing you off course; sometimes by circumstances beyond your control, but often times by the choices we make. Therefore we cannot complain if we do not achieve our purpose and reach our full potential. It is essential throughout your life’s journey that you identify and breaking ALL patterns of behaviour which hinder or block you from being all you were destined to be. That being said I have come across some of my own. Some I am sure many of you can relate to.
First let me start off by saying some of these patterns of behaviour can be difficult to clearly identify. Nevertheless after repeating the same cycle a number of times the hope is you will begin to ask yourself very straight forward and candid questions. I found my pattern rather difficult to uncover, but thanks to a conversation with someone who I highly respect I was able to see things in a new light. Cloaking itself in seemingly good/kind things, but yet when unmasked and visible in plain sight it is destructive and has been sabotaging my progress.
Knowing when to offer help or assistance has always been a weakness of mine. Having a career in Social Services will do that to you. The whole purpose for your job is to help people. Whether it’s through accompanying them to a meeting, advocating on their behalf, mediating a family discussion or providing one on one counseling sessions. You are there to serve and meet the current need. The only problem is I tend to get caught up with helping others to the point where I neglect areas of my own life that need my attention. Personal projects never maintain their course; ones which will directly impact my future and the fulfillment of my dreams, ergo allowing me to reach my full potential.
My eagerness to see other individuals succeed at times hinders my own progress. Mind you there is gratification I get when I help someone. It gives me so much joy. And I am not saying I am going to stop being kind or helpful withholding aid when there is a need. I will forever remember what it was like growing with practically no support from my parents. Being on my own at the age of fifteen is not something I would never wish on anyone. However after spending so many years of my life helping and assisting others to overcome their obstacles, breakthrough barriers, achieve their goals and fulfill their dreams it is time for me to give myself the same opportunity.
Now this is where I fight feelings of guilt and frustration. Guilt because I feel as though I am being selfish when I don’t readily offer to help in some way, but frustration when I do. For I allow myself to become utterly consumed with the individual’s or group’s current cause. Loosing myself entirely hence everything concerning my life ends up falling by the way side. However the truth is I can not complain about I what I allow to continue. There is only one person in control of my boundaries that person is me! I am the only who the power to break the cycle.
This has really been a ground breaking revelation for me. It may not be new to you, but it has been a liberating concept which I have now incorporated into my life. I am NOT saying I am “Just Gonna Do Me”; a phrase I hear often to condone selfishness, insensitivity and heartlessness towards the needs of others. I strongly believe generosity, kindness and sacrifice is necessary to truly show compassion and positively impact the lives of others. Nonetheless it is my personal belief to effectively help and serve others you must not be a hinderance or stumbling block to yourself.