Taking a closer look at the nature of dating and relationships has been quite enlightening so far. In my previous post I touched on the “Unspoken Fears” women deal with when in a committed relationship. It has caused me to do my own personal internal spring cleaning; to take a closer look at myself and any insecurities I may have. Many avoid doing it, but I have learned it is needed periodically throughout life. Working through such things affords you the opportunity to grow and mature. This will ensure you have a positive dating experience and help you choose a suitable and compatible life partner. The better you know yourself the more equipped you are to enter into and maintain a life long relationship.
I’ve often wondered why people hide aspects of who they are during the dating process. I’ve even heard stories of individuals who pretend to be someone else through the ENTIRE dating period right up until marriage. This is a frightening thought!! I would assume it is because there are parts of themselves that they are ashamed of or insecure about. For some there may be other reasons, but it has been my observation that this is the case. Yet if building a long, lasting relationship is your end goal, being yourself is the only way to ensure the relationship is successful.
In speaking with a close friend she shared her experiences from a past relationship. In her case she sacrificed much of who she was to make her mate happy. Surrendering her identity out of fear among other things. She subjected herself to a man who was controlling, inconsiderate and unwilling to work on himself or contribute equally to the relationship. Now looking back if she was given another chance to do things over she definitely would. And oddly enough I am at that the same place.
I no longer believe fairly tales, however I do believe in committed relationships based on honesty, respect, acceptance, communication, kindness and trust. I have also held myself back out of fear of rejection. Nevertheless I have come to realize any relationship where I have to change who I am in order for it to work and be accepted is a relationship I don’t want. Don’t forfeit your happiness out of a fear of ending up alone or whatever other thought crosses your mind. Settling for such a reason will only ensure your own unhappiness.
Being happy with yourself is more important than someone else being happy with you…..
The area of relationships is one that I could spend many hours of study. Human behavior is so fascinating; the how’s and why’s behind peoples thoughts and behaviours have alway peaked my interest. Needless to say in the area of dating or dare I say romance I have found it rather intriguing, but at the same time perplexing. Over the next couple of weeks (or maybe longer) I am going to be digging into the matter of relationship between men and women.
I will be sharing sharing some of my own personal experiences as well as some stories from a few of my close friends. We will be looking at why women act or respond in certain ways ie. what are our triggers and areas of sensitivity, and the same with regards to men. I will be relying on some of my male friends to to fill in the missing pieces when it comes to the male species.
I look forward to this series evolving and I hope you will join me as I delve deeper into this topic!!
It is amazing how time is just flying by!! The first month of 2015 is coming to an end and so much has already begun to take place. In my last post I spoke about a “Real Resolution”; the kind that would actually bring about a change in your life. However the kind of change I proposed is not for the weak or faint at heart. It requires a bold, stout hearted individual to stand against personal fears, face insecurities, and step out from the crowd and be different!! I have to admit it, even thinking about it I experience butterflies in my stomach. For although I write about these things and I am committed to walking these principles out in my own life I am not exempt from the process or from how it affects me as an individual.
To this day I still experience fear when having to face certain situations. I often am frustrated at my responses because it almost feels like a “Knee Jerk Reaction.” Many times when I recount the incident over in my mind my first question usually is “Why did I do that or respond in that way?” Over the course of picking the situation apart it all boiled down to one word. Fear! I have to say that in the moment it isn’t always clear that I am afraid. However what is extremely evident is how quick I unconsciously go into defense mode, hence the knee jerk reaction.
An area as personal and intrinsic as fear is something that should not be overlooked. Taking the time to ask yourself these questions is important if you desire to uncover what is causing your responses to certain situations. I am NOT talking about mediation or listening to your inner voice. I am saying look at the hard facts. Remove the rose coloured glasses and get to the root of action/reaction or pattern of behaviour that may in fact be hindering your life in some way.
We have a tendency to gloss over the little things that we say or do and categorize them an idiosyncrasies ie. “quirks” in our personality. Nevertheless something impulsive as a “knee jerk reaction” if not addressed can be potentially dangerous. It usually comes with no warning and is driven by very strong emotion. Often the target of this kind of response is unsuspecting. It catches them completely off guard. At one point we all have be on the receiving end of this and I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant. Thinking about the person on the receiving end of such an outburst can help with choosing how to respond.
I strongly suggest in those moments to not respond or at least say as little as possible. Take some time to reflect on the situation, consult with someone who you respect and has a track record of giving sound (wise) advice. I personally pray about these type of issues. I gain much clarity and am able to work through my emotions more effectively. All this is to say take time to think before responding. Some times when facing fear a bold and courageous response is in order. Thus breaking intimidation and feelings of inferiority. However a knee jerk response is birthed out of a perceived fear and is usually associated to a past experience or false perception.
2015 has officially begun!! I know many are used to hearing “New year, New Me” slogans or even participating in the timeless tradition of making New Years “resolutions.” Needless to say these things are popular at the start of a new year. It gives structure and motivation to some who are desiring to make significant changes in their lives and to help them achieve certain goals. All in all not a bad thing. Nevertheless for most it is just another “feel good” activity only to camouflage the fear of making any REAL change. It hides the lack of discipline to see a resolution through into an actual lifestyle change. That being said I personally have decided to shift my energy elsewhere.
In the year of 2015, if we are indeed going to break free from the past; its limitations, hinderances, personal insecurities and experience REAL change, approval from other people is something you are going to have to live without. There is a saying that “If you live for people’s approval you will die by their rejection.” And this is a harsh reality for many. Their identity is solely wrapped up in the acceptance and approval of others. It’s as if they are sentenced to live within the confines of someone else’s thoughts, opinions and/or personal like or dislike of who they are. Many surrender their desire for change in some area of their lives (or even worst their dream) because it may in fact directly conflict with someone else’s personal opinion.
It is a dangerous thing to have your self-worth relying so heavily on such individuals. You render the power to people who are often not: A. Walking in their purpose or pursing a dream of any kind, B. Setting goals where they are challenged or stretched in any way (ie. they continually choose what is comfortable and safe), and C. Wanting anything more out of life (ie. they have decided this is as far as they are going to go). They secretly have given up somewhere along the way and whether knowingly or not they want you to remain in the same boat with them. But this is where I draw the line……
In the year of 2015 I have NO desire (whatsoever) to follow people around in circles just because they have given up on their dream and/or purpose AND are afraid to take the necessary steps to move forward. I am not interested in making plans or “new years resolutions” of which I have no intension of following through with. And if this is your desire let me warm you some within your relationship circle may not like or approve of your proposed changes. In fact some relationships may suffer or dare I say end due to your choice! The key is to not let the short term pain impede your ability to make effective long term decision.
Now don’t get me wrong relationships are a wonderful thing; a great blessing. However it shouldn’t prevent you from pursuing whatever dream/goals that is within your heart. Within every relationship love and acceptance should be given freely; it should be a two way street. It should never be withheld at the cost of one’s dream or purpose. That is just too high of a price to pay……
In 2015 choose to breakout and break free from anything or anyone that will impede your progress!! I can honestly say one man’s opinion is not enough for me to forfeit my dream…..
This is the year to be more than ever before. Don’t let anything stop that from happening. A new years resolution is nothing without the boldness to walk it out…..
Along the road of self discovery I have had to lay aside many things unnecessary for the journey. I am amazed at what junk I have been carrying around with me. But the more I purge myself of things like bitterness, unforgiveness, hurts from the past, distorted perceptions and world views I feel more content with who I am and where my life is going. How I see life, things, people has drastically changed. I have shifted and am continuing to shift in my way of thinking. The one thing that has altered most is my desire to fit in. I have accepted or rather embraced the fact that I will never fit the mold.
In this day and age it means much to be confident; content with who you are, where you’re at and what you feel you are called to do. Nevertheless we live in a society where they are quick to judge and compare, essentially undermine your unique design/make-up as an individual. Needless to say every institution you go through in life manages to reduce you to a number or category leaving no room for originality or distinction. This is where I have always had a problem.
I can name many well know individuals who are original, unique, authentic, exceptional and rather outstanding. When I looked into their stories the majority of them had trouble in school, family issues, poor peer relationships, criminal involvement, etc. Strangely enough the most common theme among them is a “non-conformist” type of attitude. And this is where I actually fit in! My entire life I have been forced to act and behave in a way that suited others. Always pressured to fit the mold of whatever expectation laid out by whoever was in authority over me. Hence I had an issue with rebellion, authority and was at one point every very abstinent. Sadly almost everyone I came across in a position of authority abused it and for some reason hated my strength, boldness and tenacity.
There were many attempts to undermine my integrity, make me feel inferior and cause me to question my gifts and abilities. And it actually worked. However once I realized that I was the one allowing it to happen I began to see things through a different light. My strength, boldness, tenacity is a gift. Being original, authentic and having this kind of distinction is a blessing. I should embrace not fight it!!
I thankful to be at a place in my life where I am comfortable with who I am. Now unfortunately this may rub some people the wrong way. Nevertheless this is something I am willing to live with. It has been my experience that the ones who oppose your originality or distinction are usually the one who wish they had the courage to stand out and be different.
I am thanking God He has truly made me this way. I no longer have the desire to fit in or be accepted my the masses. To be a real person of change you must be willing to break the mold, stand apart and take the road less travelled.
Refining Beauty ~I am fearfully and wonderfully made~
Now they say confession is “good” for the soul, so here is my confession……
I am currently in a situation where finances are extremely “tight”, therefore things that are not essential have to be cut. However I already live a minimalist type of lifestyle, so there isn’t much to cut. I have removed most things which in reality are luxuries compared to the how the rest of world lives, but there is one thing in times past I have always managed to keep. A gym membership. I have longed struggled to get to my “goal” weight, but I never want to gain weight or worst return to where I was in 2001 when I was pushing 400lbs.
I have tried to come up with alternatives to keep my fitness regime going. In the past I have used a home workout program called “Insanity”. It is a high intensity workout where you need no weights or machines. I know a number of people who own it, so I spent some time trying to track a copy down. Unfortunately I have yet to actually get one in my possession. But in all honesty not working out theses last few weeks has proved to be very enlightening. During this time I actually started experiencing intense moments of anxiety. At one point the whole idea of not exercising/weight gain/diet began consuming my thoughts.
What I found most interesting was the words my mother used to say to me began to replay over and over in my head. Like “you’re a cow”, “fat pig”, “a slob”, “a glutton”, etc. Sadly these are some of the nicer things she used to say if you believe it! I came realize to these words were still haunting me. As long as I worked out and did all I could be to be healthy I felt good about my body and my appearance. When I didn’t the old thoughts would resurfaced. The truth is exercise is more than just a weight-loss tool. I used it drown out the other voices in my head. I never saw this before…..
Feeling beautiful is easy to do when you are achieving the standard you set for yourself. As long I was working towards being a better me what was said in the past didn’t phase me much. But now that I am restricted there is a temptation to revert to my old way of thinking; calling into question my self image/esteem and have I REALLY changed. The answer is YES I have changed. It is still a bit painful at times, yet I push past my feeling and hold onto what is true. The past seems to be something I have to constantly bury even though it tries to resurrect itself. Those words only have power when I choose to believe them. Everyday I choose to forgive what was done and believe truth about who I am now. I am NOT that girl anymore.
Don’t let the past hold you back….No matter what it is….
Hello there Ladies!! I must say I am thoroughly enjoying writing this blog!! I have never really great thought to women and the issues that specifically affect us before. When I honestly began to think it over I realized there are many issues and circumstances that target us; in many ways men will probably never fully understand. I am honoured to take the time to write and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Anyway just wanted to say I appreciate you taking the time to this!!
When I was a young girl I thought love was like it was in the movies. Movies like “Sixteen Candles”, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Pretty Women” (minus the whole prostitution thing of course!). They painted love as being an utterly blissful experience with this fairytale happy ending. I soon realized little boys were only interest in getting their hand up your dress or down your top, and even bigger boys were focused on sticking their little “friend” into my “treasurebox.” Of course there are those of us who waited to experience this event with a guy who we thought “really” cared for us, however once the truth came to light, that he never cared, you had a choice. To either continue to seek an “intimate” connection in between bed sheets (or wherever the act would occurred) or take the higher, but much less travelled road instead. The higher road where you grow as a woman, discover who you really are and set standards for yourself allowing you to receive the treatment you rightfully deserve. Interestingly enough many women choose to stay on their current course knowing the heart ache and damage it causes. And although I was on that path for a while myself I decided to make a u-turn and change directions. I took the higher road which obviously is much more challenging and at times quite lonely. Nevertheless it was the route I chose and to this day I have NO regrets.
In the area of relationships women in general desire and crave intimacy. Honest, genuine, thoughtful communication which is based on something beyond their outward appearance. Unfortunately intimacy has been reduces to sexual intercourse, but the reality is to a woman it so much more than that. Knowing a woman, meeting her needs, understanding who she really is have very little to do with sex. Sadly there is a great deal of pressure for women to subject themselves to society’s and the overall male populations standard of intimacy. What’s wrose a lot of women don’t give themselves an opportunity to experience life and all it has to offer before seeking out a intimate connection with the opposite sex. This is a HUGE MISTAKE!!!
One of the things I regret most in my life is engaging in sexual relationships at a very young age. I hurt and working through many issues and was in no way prepared for that “kind” of connection. And the truth was I seeking for something sex in and of itself could never have given me. I wanted someone to get to know me and understand me; for them to see past the outward flaw and see me. Sex NEVER gave me that!!! And Also for the record how was someone else suppose to get to know me or understand me if I don’t even know who I am?! These are questions as women, young and old, we need to ask ourselves.
I am so grateful for making that u-turn and giving myself time to heal, grow, mature and most importantly discover who I REALLY am. It is one of the most priceless gift you can give yourself.
And trust me you are NOT going to find a gift like that between the sheets!!